Communication

The one thing I’ve learned through all of IF is that it really does make you question everything about yourself, your partner, your life and purpose. It alters relationships for the good and the bad but most of all, it forces you to be able to vocalize your discontent. If I couldn’t discuss my frustrations with those within my support system, especially Mr.A, I would simply explode.

Yesterday I was beyond frustrated and unfortunately most of my frustration was focused on Mr.A. Although I was not pumping myself full of hormones this cycle, I was very disappointed that our timing seemed to doom this cycle.

Mr.A tries to always stay optimistic always saying, “Don’t worry! We will try tomorrow, next week, next month”.  The issue is, I often interpret it as he doesn’t understand what I am going through today or how much I wanted this yesterday, last month, or last year. In an attempt to keep the intimacy alive this cycle, I’ve been more romantic and touchy feely than vocal (read: I don’t say, “I am O’ing today, you don’t have a choice”).

This weekend, when my attempts failed I did not persist and rather just became frustrated. However, when I found out that my body was ready to O yesterday and that we had wasted our chances on Saturday and Sunday, I was livid.

After reaching out to a friend yesterday (Thank you, tdmd), I realized that Mr.A and I really needed a powwow otherwise I was going to be upset and blame him for yet another failed cycle.

I called him while he sat at the airport waiting for his flight.  I told him that I was frustrated with the entire situation but especially at myself for not being more persistent. I did not feel it was right to place my blame and frustration completely on him, and I didn’t want him to think I was attacking him. He apologized several times and said that he didn’t realize that our critical window was afoot and asked why I had not said anything to him. I told him the truth; I didn’t want to put more pressure on him and I wanted to try to keep things romantic. He said that while he appreciated me trying to “keep things fun”, he knew we had a purpose and vocalizing that instead of pretending otherwise would be best for both of us.

I felt much better after we talked.  As it turns out, I had a negative OPK last night and this morning, therefore this cycle is not necessarily doomed after all. I followed my doctor’s orders and gave myself the Ovidel shot this morning to force ovulation within 24-36 hours. Since he will be returning from his trip tonight, we may still have a chance.  Fingers crossed.

Cycle 30

I’ve been having a really difficult time dealing with our last failed cycle. It is science people, how could it not work!?

Originally, we decided to take a month off for a little physical, mental and emotional respite, but then I received my benefits packet from my new employer. Although I don’t qualify for benefits until May 1, apparently I have to elect my benefits between Mar 1 and April 1. This means that the cycle I am in now is the only cycle I have left before I have to make the decision on whether or not to enroll in this very expensive coverage through my employer.

That said, we decided to do a bit of monitoring and possibly Ovidrel again this cycle. I went in yesterday for my CD11 u/s. My largest follie was only 10mm and they want me to come back on Sunday for a repeat. My insurance changed to Mr.A’s this month and it is not covering any part of the  ovidrel prescription. I am not certain whether or not it is going to cover the u/s either, so I am a bit leery about having another one done this weekend. At this point, I haven’t decided what to do….. I am waiting for the nurse to call and hopefully figure it all out.

In addition, guess which klutz hooked her boot heal inside of her pants hem and tumbled down about 10 (industrial, metal/concrete) steps inside of the hospital garage. ME! That was on my way to the RE appointment. I banged up my shoulder, tailbone, and knee, have bruising on my arm, elbow and shin, and scraped my arm and hand.  Today, I hurt; I feel like I was in a car accident.

I've been shot

We began treatment this cycle (including injections). Last May my doctor at the time, prescribed 50mg of Clomid, and I overstimulated.  Therefore, I began 25mg of Clomid on CD3; half the lowest normal dose.

I began to have pretty significant cramping on CD5-8, and ended up going in for my CD10 ultrasound (u/s) on day 9. On day 9, I had one mature follicle, and two nearly mature follies (measurements: one 17 and two 15s). The doctor gave me the choice of taking my Ovidrel trigger injection on Friday evening, and only having the one mature follicle, or waiting until Saturday morning and potentially having three.

Although the thought of triplets is a bit overwhelming, we opted to wait until Saturday morning. Our thought was, with our history the chances of having all three follicles release eggs, have all eggs mature and fertilize, have all three implant and survive were extremely unlikely. However by waiting, we figured that it would give us three chances for success this cycle and also the possibility of multiples which we would welcome with open arms.  

We woke up Saturday morning and I got the shot out of the refrigerator. The needle wasn’t that big, but it was still scary. Mr.A ended up giving me the shot about 2-3 inches below my bellybutton. In case you aren’t familiar with trigger injections, they have HCG in the injection which gives your body a signal much like that when your LH is surging, causing you to ovulate. HCG is also what increases in your body when you are pregnant. Therefore, after taking the injection, you will test positive on pregnancy tests for 5-6 days. I promised Mr.A I wouldn’t test, although seeing those two lines would be really nice, obviously it isn’t real. A lot of women will “test out their trigger”, meaning they will test daily until negative, knowing that the result on day 10-11-12-13 are true positives, and not remaining HCG from the injection.   

Per my doctor’s orders, I will be beginning my 200mg three times daily of progesterone tomorrow evening, as well as beginning my regime of 80mg of baby aspirin; these are in addition to the 4mg of folic acid and prenatal vitamins that I am already taking daily. We will wait to test until 2/10. February 10^th will either be a very depressing day, or bittersweet; it will be exactly one year since my surgery.  

If by some miracle I do get pregnant this cycle, I will begin injections to better control my bodies clotting tendencies immediately following the +test, and will be very closely monitored throughout the first trimester.

I am both terrified and excited; praying for a miracle.