Roller Coaster

After I spoke with PA on Friday, I had a renewed sense of optimism. Everything really could be alright. Then the progesterone supplement roller coaster began. Over the weekend, I cried, slept, moped, napped, watched TV and worst of all I googled. I have had so many what-if scenarios running through my head over the last few days and I can’t help but think about the worst possibly outcome. Yesterday was a good day; I was so busy at work and it kept my mind preoccupied.

The progesterone makes me a hormonal and sad mess; and my poor husband doesn’t know what to do with me. In two seconds time, I will go from being positive everything is over to being hopeful and looking forward to Wednesday’s ultrasound.

Reasons to be positive:

-There was a fetal pole and a healthy yolk sac last Thursday

-My numbers are still doubling nicely and are high

-I haven’t had any spotting or bleeding

-I have been taking my PNV, DHA and Progesterone every night

-Today, I am pregnant and I love my baby.

Bloodwork Follow-up

The doctors' office called yesterday with my blood work results. My HCG levels are around 49,600; which shows pretty good doubling since first being drawn in the beginning of January. Being the overly obsessive person I am, I found an online HCG calculator and plugged in the numbers. Ideally, your HCG levels should double every 48-72 hours; according to my numbers they are doubling every 80 hours. It is a little off, but close enough that I am trying to stay optimistic. The PA said that the number is a solid number for 6w and that she feels it matches what the u/s said. Whether or not that is true, it made me feel a million times better.


The only bad news that came from my blood work was my progesterone levels. At 14DPO (or so I thought...?) it was at 16.1; at my appointment it was 6.7. It has dropped rather significantly. The doctor called in a progesterone supplement that I will need to take for at least the next two months. The funny thing about the supplement; its nothing like I have ever seen or heard of before. She actually called in a formula to a compounding center (that is also a pharmacy) rather than purchasing an off the shelf progesterone pill or suppository. So, I had medication made specifically for me with the traditional mortar and pestle then put into a capsule. My insurance probably won't cover it since it is so odd, but at this point I will do anything necessary to sustain a healthy pregnancy.


I guess my mood has changed from completely having given up, to clinging to a glimmer of hope. If you are religious in any way, please pray for me to have strength. Strength to possibly sustain this pregnancy I have prayed for and/or strength to continue to stay hopeful, or strength to help me get through should the worst happen.

First Appointment

I had my first official OB appointment on Thursday. I was so excited and a little anxious. I knew that if everything was measuring where it should, if there was a heartbeat, and everything looked healthy that we would be able to announce to my extended family on my birthday.


Well, things didn't go as I had hoped. Mr.A and I waited in the lobby for over an hour and a half; which is normal for this OB. She is highly sought after, and spends time with each of her patients. First, I met with the PA who was wonderful. She did the normal checks of blood pressure, weight, breathing, heart rate etc. As I laid waiting for the OB, with the ultrasound machine next to me, I knew it would be an emotional visit.


The OB came in, she was so sweet. She knew how anxious I was to see my little sweetpea, so she prepared the internal u/s right away. It took her a few seconds to locate the gestational sac but there it was. The first thing she asked was how far along I thought I should be; 8w3d. She said the baby was measuring right about 6w1d. I started to cry; I knew something was wrong. I had been charting my cycles for 18 months, I knew that I had never ovulated that late and based on temps/OPKs I should have ovulated at the perfect CD14, for the first time ever.


She continued to measure everything and said that it had implanted high in my uterus, and that the yolk sac looked perfectly healthy-all good signs, but there was no heartbeat. She said that everything looked perfect for 6w1d and that it was too early to see the heartbeat. She ordered blood tests for more HCG levels and progesterone as well as three other vials. She said I shouldn't worry yet and tried to keep me as optimistic as possible, but I was a wreck. As we were leaving, I was scheduled for a follow up u/s next Wednesday to hopefully see growth progress and the heartbeat.


When we got in the car, I turned off my phone and sobbed. There were a couple of friends and my family who were all anxiously awaiting updates.  I couldn't even talk to my own husband, how could I talk to them? I felt like everything was caving in around me. I was so angry with myself; it took my freaking body this long to get pregnant and now I feel like it can't sustain a pregnancy either? FML.


Mr.A has stayed extremely (almost sickeningly) optimistic throughout this entire ordeal. He trusts that the Dr. wouldn't have printed off a copy of the u/s had she expected the worst. He trusts her calming words that everything could still be ok. I am trying so hard to just let go and let God.

Imagine…

Imagine getting the two things you have prayed for nightly for what seems like an eternity. Wouldn’t that be the most amazing feeling? Now imagine that the two things you have wanted most from life could possibly interfere with one another.  Does it make one or the other any less appealing?

They say, be careful what you wish for. Even if I had anticipated this, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I just know that the next year isn’t going to be a walk in the park.

First, as you know my due date is two days after my brother’s wedding. This is already causing tension because I know that physically I cannot be in the wedding. It will be difficult for me to even attend the wedding, but buying the teacup bridesmaid dress that will somehow fit at 40 weeks pregnant (or post partum) and be at least somewhat flattering; no way. My brother and my mom want me to “just wait and see”.  I know even if I have to make the decision the day before the wedding, I am not going to be in the wedding.

Secondly, Mr.A was offered his DREAM job. This was always in my prayers along with getting pregnant. The downside(s) to this is that we have to move (for the 4^th time in 3 years), sell our two properties, buy or rent in the new location 8 hours further away from our families, and I won’t be able to keep my stellar job. All of which will happen right at my due date.

It seems like a lot, and it is; but I know that it will be worth it. Every move we have made has been difficult, but it has allowed us to grow as individuals, within our careers and together.  I am so proud of Mr.A for finally achieving his dream and will not allow his dreams to be dashed for a feeling of comfort.

Exhaustion

I’ve read three pregnancy books already; my favorite of which is an outdated, completely non-scientific book called “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy: Everything Your Doctor Won’t Tell You”. The others have been very detailed, almost to the point of making me even more paranoid, and have been hard to get into. The “Girlfriend’s Guide” is nice because it takes into account various women’s (and their husbands) point of view. It doesn’t give you stats on the likeliness of you experiencing the same thing, but informs you of the possibilities just in case.

Her chapter on the first trimester focuses a lot on the “bone deep” exhaustion. Before now, I have thought that I knew what exhausted really felt like; I was wrong. Her description of “bone deep” is more accurate than I could have imagined even two weeks ago. I know that my body is working hard - giving its water and nutrients to my growing embryo - it’s just becoming more and more difficult to function my entire 10 hour work day.

In addition to just being tired, I have given up caffeine (well mostly). I had planned on giving up my beloved Diet Coke as a new year’s resolution; then I found out I was pregnant. I have done very well with not drinking any Diet Coke; but earlier this week I gave in to a Vanilla Coke. I was only able to drink maybe a quarter of it before I started to feel queasy and guilty. I know that there is a threshold around 200mg a day of caffeine that is safe for pregnancy; but I will continue to avoid it whenever I possibly can.

The worst part about my non-caffeinated, bone-deep exhaustion is that sleep never seems to help. I will rest, relax, sleep-in, nap, and go to bed early throughout the entire weekend; and I am still tired. During the week, I will be in bed before 8:30pm and the mornings seem to come earlier every day.  I truly hope the second trimester is as great as everyone seems to make it sound. I am very much looking forward getting rid of my exhaustion, occasional nausea, and constant fear of miscarriage.

Snow Day?

Over the weekend, we probably had an entire accumulation of about 3 inches of snow. The roads have been cleared, and are normal, albeit, wet. This morning, I woke up to a 1/2 inch dusting of snow. Being that my commute is about an hour; the snow accumulation is often worse where I live, than where I work. This morning was no different. While I traveled on the highway, the roads went from a little snowy and wet, to just wet. When I arrived at work, I spoke with a particularly irksome co-worker who told me that the schools local to my work area were closed as were the schools where I live. Then he  proceeded to say, "I don't know why we weren't closed, the roads are pretty bad." I simply said, "You're a pansy" and walked away.


Seriously! The place I work at has been closed twice in the last three years. Once for a particularly crippling ice-storm that knocked out power for nearly a week and the second for a snowy/icy mixture where we had about an inch of pure ice covered with a couple of inches of snow. The second event; I didn't get the memo that we were even closed. I called before beginning my (2 hour with the conditions) commute and was told we were on a two hour delay. Why would I call again during my 2 hour commute?! Well, next time I will.


I guess that thing that bothers me the most, is this co-irker is always looking for a free ride. In the year an a half I have worked with him, I have had to put in more time (and I am salaried; so no OT) and effort into cleaning up his messes, and catching up where he has faltered. So yes, he is a pansy; I won't take it back.

Resolution!

I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to get pregnant, that I never allowed myself to really think about being pregnant. This time a month ago, I couldn’t have even imagined how I would react to a + pregnancy test. I wouldn’t allow myself to do anymore than walk through the baby aisles of department stores and dote. I never really bought anything; even when it was a steal of a deal. All I ever really knew about being pregnant was what I had read, heard from friends and from thenest. Now, it is all consuming; just as TTC was. I am finding that I really do like to dive, head first, into each new venture.

So here’s to working, at least half of the time I should be [rather than “bumping” and nesting], and concentrating on the other aspects of my life; while I can.