Eve Update

I am sorry for the lack of updates; I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions throughout the last month. I’ve been trying to watch less TV and spend less time on the computer, while reading more books and trying to relax.

Eve has been through an even worse roller coaster for the last month, which ended in yet another tragedy for her and her family. Eve lost her baby. I was, and continue to be absolutely heartbroken for her.

I don’t understand how someone so faithful to God could go through the promise, then the anguish of yet another loss. She had come to terms with the fact that she wouldn’t bear her own child, and she was at peace with it. Now, she is questioning everything.

No one should have to endure the heartbreak of loss, let alone countless losses and absolute heartbreak.  Please continue to keep her in your prayers as she attempts to heal her broken heart while still being the best mother her twin boys could ask for.

Please Pray for Eve

Remember Eve? If you would like the full backstory, please see my post Backstory: My Crazy Idea to be a Surrogate . I posted an update on GP a couple of weeks ago, but felt compelled to update my readers as well.

First, Eve and her husband successfully adopted twin boys last summer; Noah and Nathan. In their first pictures, you could tell they were as different as can be! One has blond hair and blue eyes, the other dark hair and dark eyes.

I will occasionally send them care packages with clothes and other goodies, and I am shocked to tell you that the boys aren’t quite 9 months old, and are wearing 12-18 month clothes already. They are both doing well,  but goodness they are growing like weeds!!

Eve did find out that Noah has many albinism-like traits. His hair is blond, not white, but he is suffering from the near blindness that often accompanies albinism. The doctors are concerned that his impaired eye sight may impact his learning and cause some delays as compared to his brother.  Also, his skin is very sensitive to sunlight, and they have to be very careful in what he wears, and that he always has on sunblock.

Now for an update on Eve. Through all of her reproductive issues, Eve’s OBGYN has encouraged her to have a full hysterectomy. After adopting, she reluctantly agreed but needed to build up her time off after her leave of absence when they first got the boys.

On April 3^rd, Eve was scheduled for her hysterectomy. Of course she was emotional, full well knowing she would never bear a child of her own. Just prior to the procedure, they did a routine pregnancy test and lo and behold it was POSITIVE! Eve is pregnant, after all the years of torture and heartbreak.

She is of AMA (advanced maternal age), and with all of her previous losses she is very high risk; but she is pregnant! Her bloodwork has all been positive and she has all of the early symptoms. I will continue to pray for her every day, and hope this is the baby she will finally be able to carry and take home, after 23 years of infertility.

Yesterday, Eve texted me to tell me that she had some cramping and a little spotting. Her doctor took additional blood yesterday and although it is increasing, the doubling time has slowed. Sometimes that can be completely normal, being that her numbers are well over 1,000 now, and sometimes that can be a very bad sign.

I can only hope that God has blessed her with this baby at such an unexpected time for a reason, and pray that he continues to watch over her throughout her pregnancy. If you pray, please pray for Eve.

The good work continues

Our community lost a soldier a couple of weeks ago in Afghanistan. As sad as it is, the part that really made me choke up was the fact that his wife is due to give birth any day now. The entire community has offered their help to the wife and baby, and I sincerely believe that he will not long for anything.

They’ve set up trusts in the baby’s name, drop off points for donations, and even had nationwide support through social media outlets. I asked my department if they would be willing to each donate 5 new articles of baby clothing ranging from 6m to 3T, or money. We’ve had a great outpouring of support and thus far have enough clothes for the baby to need nothing at all until he is 3 years old. We will also be buying Walmart and/or Target gift cards with the money we receive from inside and outside of the department.

I’ve been in contact with the family’s pastor, trying to better understand their needs but will be calling the wife today. I am concerned that I will get choked up on the phone when I speak with her. I am/was once a military wife, and I cannot even fathom the heartbreak of losing my husband in war; especially at such a young age.

If you’re a religious person, please keep this family in your prayers and continue to pray for their comfort during this difficult time.

Meltdown

It has just been one of those weeks! Work has been busy and I've been so frustrated with the silos of my company that don't communicate appropriately. I've been working on a project for literally weeks, and tasks are added nearly daily. I don't have any support as of yet, since they haven't approved any of the three positions to be hired for my team, and I feel like I am drowning.

I had a bitter infertile meltdown earlier this week. Just one of those days where I want to scream, "why me?!" up to the high heavens. It seemed as though nothing could go right. Work was frustrating, my body wasn't working correctly, my credit card payment auto-debited from the wrong account overdrawing my checking account by $300, then the only thing I had been looking forward to ALL.DAY.LONG., my nice dinner out, was spoiled. Looking back, it really doesn't seem that bad, but I am telling you, it just felt like the hits just kept coming.

I've tried to channel my unhappy feelings into helping others, and most days it really does help me. It give me the sense of purpose I sometimes feel I am lacking. Recently my office went to a special needs school to do an Easter egg hunt, egg dying, meet the Easter bunny and just enjoy the day. I met some of the most amazing individuals and have fallen in love with the school. Some of the girls were in their spirit gear that day, and I found out that they have a cheer squad. I've danced my entire life and would love to volunteer with the school to help coach the squad. I don't have too much experience working with children and people with special needs, but I hope they might consider allowing me to help.

Quick update on my broken body: We've had a completely natural cycle #31 aside from the progesterone post-ovulation. I am not expecting a miracle, but hope is a heck of a thing; it won't let me go. But with hope, comes heartache and disappointment.

No Surrender

I am sure it is no surprise that I have no exciting, wonderful news from this last cycle, though I guess I should share something. My tests were + until 16DPO, when my period came.  The + were faint, but certainly there. I never called my RE, since I knew it couldn’t be good news and I preferred to steer clear of doctors, needles, heartbreak and $10 parking. But I guess now I won’t ever know if it was residual effects of the trigger injection or another chemical pregnancy.

I am doing alright, surprisingly. I’ve kind of come to terms with the fact that I am not pregnant and have found an odd sense of peace knowing that that fact is predictable from month to month.   It probably sounds really depressing, but I think I’ve transcended the sadness that IF has caused me over the last 2.5 years and have moved into another mindset.

Of all the bad things that IF and loss has done to me, it has allowed me to see the miracle of life in a very different way. It has given me a voice, and the courage to talk openly about the trials and tribulations within my life, it has given me the empathy and understanding to comfort others, but most of all, it has proven to me one thing I never quite knew for certain; I am pro-life.

I know this topic is very controversial and I will only touch on it briefly. Growing up, if I had to pick a side in the pro-life/pro-choice argument, I would have picked pro-choice for one reason only. I could not say for certain what I would have done, had I been in the situation myself and forced to make the most difficult decision of my life.  Having been through IF and loss, I am finding myself on the other side. Now, I realize more than ever that every child is a gift, a true miracle and I would die for the chance to be a real mother.

I won’t give up; ever. I am prepared to do whatever necessary to be a mother. Be it my own biological children, adoptive children, test tube babies, natural babies; I will be a mother. I find myself considering adoption more and more, but sometimes I feel like pursuing that avenue is signaling my surrender to my broken body. Well body, don’t be fooled. Beginning May 1, if you aren’t pregnant, I am going to be pumping you full of drugs, hormones, injections, pills, and suppositories. We are going to go through procedures, blood work, ultrasounds and whatever else my RE can muster.

Communication

The one thing I’ve learned through all of IF is that it really does make you question everything about yourself, your partner, your life and purpose. It alters relationships for the good and the bad but most of all, it forces you to be able to vocalize your discontent. If I couldn’t discuss my frustrations with those within my support system, especially Mr.A, I would simply explode.

Yesterday I was beyond frustrated and unfortunately most of my frustration was focused on Mr.A. Although I was not pumping myself full of hormones this cycle, I was very disappointed that our timing seemed to doom this cycle.

Mr.A tries to always stay optimistic always saying, “Don’t worry! We will try tomorrow, next week, next month”.  The issue is, I often interpret it as he doesn’t understand what I am going through today or how much I wanted this yesterday, last month, or last year. In an attempt to keep the intimacy alive this cycle, I’ve been more romantic and touchy feely than vocal (read: I don’t say, “I am O’ing today, you don’t have a choice”).

This weekend, when my attempts failed I did not persist and rather just became frustrated. However, when I found out that my body was ready to O yesterday and that we had wasted our chances on Saturday and Sunday, I was livid.

After reaching out to a friend yesterday (Thank you, tdmd), I realized that Mr.A and I really needed a powwow otherwise I was going to be upset and blame him for yet another failed cycle.

I called him while he sat at the airport waiting for his flight.  I told him that I was frustrated with the entire situation but especially at myself for not being more persistent. I did not feel it was right to place my blame and frustration completely on him, and I didn’t want him to think I was attacking him. He apologized several times and said that he didn’t realize that our critical window was afoot and asked why I had not said anything to him. I told him the truth; I didn’t want to put more pressure on him and I wanted to try to keep things romantic. He said that while he appreciated me trying to “keep things fun”, he knew we had a purpose and vocalizing that instead of pretending otherwise would be best for both of us.

I felt much better after we talked.  As it turns out, I had a negative OPK last night and this morning, therefore this cycle is not necessarily doomed after all. I followed my doctor’s orders and gave myself the Ovidel shot this morning to force ovulation within 24-36 hours. Since he will be returning from his trip tonight, we may still have a chance.  Fingers crossed.

U/S Update

I went in today for my follow up u/s (CD14). I was plesantly surprised to see that I have one mature follie at 17mm, albeit disappointed that our timing is undoubtedly off since Mr.A left today to go out of town. This weekend was critical, and left much to be desired.

If I don't ovulate before then, I will be triggering in the morning and praying for a miracle once again.