I am sure it is no surprise that I have no exciting, wonderful news from this last cycle, though I guess I should share something. My tests were + until 16DPO, when my period came. The + were faint, but certainly there. I never called my RE, since I knew it couldn’t be good news and I preferred to steer clear of doctors, needles, heartbreak and $10 parking. But I guess now I won’t ever know if it was residual effects of the trigger injection or another chemical pregnancy.
I am doing alright, surprisingly. I’ve kind of come to terms with the fact that I am not pregnant and have found an odd sense of peace knowing that that fact is predictable from month to month. It probably sounds really depressing, but I think I’ve transcended the sadness that IF has caused me over the last 2.5 years and have moved into another mindset.
Of all the bad things that IF and loss has done to me, it has allowed me to see the miracle of life in a very different way. It has given me a voice, and the courage to talk openly about the trials and tribulations within my life, it has given me the empathy and understanding to comfort others, but most of all, it has proven to me one thing I never quite knew for certain; I am pro-life.
I know this topic is very controversial and I will only touch on it briefly. Growing up, if I had to pick a side in the pro-life/pro-choice argument, I would have picked pro-choice for one reason only. I could not say for certain what I would have done, had I been in the situation myself and forced to make the most difficult decision of my life. Having been through IF and loss, I am finding myself on the other side. Now, I realize more than ever that every child is a gift, a true miracle and I would die for the chance to be a real mother.
I won’t give up; ever. I am prepared to do whatever necessary to be a mother. Be it my own biological children, adoptive children, test tube babies, natural babies; I will be a mother. I find myself considering adoption more and more, but sometimes I feel like pursuing that avenue is signaling my surrender to my broken body. Well body, don’t be fooled. Beginning May 1, if you aren’t pregnant, I am going to be pumping you full of drugs, hormones, injections, pills, and suppositories. We are going to go through procedures, blood work, ultrasounds and whatever else my RE can muster.
