Back to the travel gring

Today, I flew home from warm and sunny Florida then immediately got on another plane for my work travel this week.

Florida was so nice. I love where we go, especially during off season. We had the entire place to ourselves including the beach, the ocean, the pool, and bayside dock. We had a kayak that we took out in the rough ocean waves just before the storm; that was exhilarating! We enjoyed the lovely local restaurants with fresh seafood and great atmospheres. We revisited the restaurant where Mr.A proposed nearly 5 years ago and enjoyed the key lime pie. I ended up with terrible burn lines since I switched swim suits a couple of times, but have added a little color to my otherwise nearly opaque skin.

This cycle I came to a realization. The only cycle that I ovulated normally on my own which resulted in my first pregnancy was during a brief period where I was active. So, this cycle I decided to try to increase my activity to see if there is a correlation. I jogged twice before leaving on vacation, did sit ups and pushups, as well as a little yoga. On vacation we rode bikes everywhere, played basketball, swam, kayaked and walked the beach every night at sunset. I am happy to report that my increased activity paid off; I ovulated on.my.own at CD14!  This also means that I am in yet another dreaded 2WW, but hopefully having a *chance* for a miracle will keep my spirits high enough to get me through.

Oh, the relief and fear that comes with a plan

Just before leaving for vacation, I had my first fertility testing/procedure, an HSG. I knew ahead of time that it would likely fall around when we were set to travel, but I wasn't willing to wait another month to begin testing and treatment. The HSG can be very simple or very painful. Mine ended being of the painful variety.

All in all, the procedure was only around 15 minutes long, but it was a very uncomfortable and emotional 15 minutes. First they insert a balloon catheter into your cervix. This causes pain, cramps and discomfort, but isn't unbearable. Then they slide you back onto the table with an x-Ray machine over top and a monitor to the side and begin pushing a dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes. I could really feel the pain and pressure initially as they cleared my tubes, but it dissipated quickly.

I was nearly in tears the entire time and cried near the end. Not only has my IF really sunk in, but the testing has begun and frankly every time I have been to the hospital in the last year it has always been bad news. When they cleared my tubes and gave me the thumbs up, it was the first positive news I have had in a long time.

Lastly, I have my first RE appointment this week on Friday. If this cycle is a bust, I will be moving on to monitoring and TI in October.

The dreaded Due Date

I am sorry it has been such a long while since I last posted. I’ve found myself in a rut after yet another hopeful and failed cycle. I’ve been fortunate to have traveled less frequently for work and more frequently for pleasure. My best friend, my brother, married his beautiful bride this past weekend. I was able to go home on Labor Day weekend to spend the week with my family.

I knew the week would be hard, I knew the wedding would be harder. You see, it was the weekend I had been looking forward to and dreading all.year.long; my expected due date. I had hoped and prayed that I would miraculously be pregnant to make it a little easier, but life isn’t always easy.

The night before the wedding, my brother had a party with all of his out of town guests. At one point, he was hidden away upstairs asking to talk to me. I sat in this room, as my brother told me that I was causing the most friction and push back giving him second thoughts about my feelings of the bride. She had done her best to include me on all events, brunches, spa days, and bachelorette parties while I had done my best to distance myself. In addition to being busy in my own life, I just couldn’t handle being a part of the wedding. After we lost the baby, my brother begged and pleaded for me to once again be a part of the wedding party; but my heart just wasn’t in it. Just like a pregnant friend, I was so happy for them, but jaded by the sadness I felt for me.

I cried as I sat with him. I apologized a thousand times for hurting him, and for making his bride feel as though I didn’t like her. This whole week is saturated with my feelings of loss, resentment and sadness. I should be 40 weeks pregnant or holding my baby boy in my arms; but I am (as always) a childless mother.

Mr.A made me promise to wait until Sunday the 11^th to test so that Saturday would truly be all about them. I agreed, but gave in to the pressure on Saturday morning. After having been the sober, responsible one all week carting my drunk family home from dinners, parties and gatherings; I was actually slightly relieved when I saw the stark white test. I needed to put my feelings aside and celebrate the happiness and love shared by my brother and his bride.

The wedding was beautiful. The sermons and songs were beautiful, but I still cried. I cried happy tears and sad. I cried because it was beautiful, they were beautiful, but also I cried because of the emptiness I feel in my heart and body.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the reception. I enjoyed my time with my best friends, closest family, brother and sister-in-law, and mostly Mr.A. We enjoyed the wine, took ridiculous photos in the photo booth, danced the night away and most of all, enjoyed each other’s company.

When I left, I felt a sense of closure and relief; I made it through. It wasn’t easy, but I made it.