Today, I got the text message I was hoping for and half expecting. My friend (who has been trying for 2+ years) is finally pregnant! Her first IUI was successful. I am thrilled for her and her husband, but have found myself really throwing myself a pity party. Now, my only IRL friend who understood and struggled alongside me, is moving on to another chapter; without me.
Mr.A and I moved to our current city about 18 months ago. We have an hour's commute, and work 10 hour days, but are off Friday-Sunday together. It makes for a long day, leaving no time for anything outside of work during the week. We don't go to church, don't belong to a gym, and honestly have no friends aside from our neighbors. Our neighbors are both 35 and have two wonderful kids that let our dog out every day when they get home from school.
Since I don't have many people I can talk to, I have confided in my neighbor about our TTC troubles. Her two sisters who both had endo and PCOS both were trying for more than a year before they were finally able to conceive. Currently, sister #1 is 25 weeks, sister #2 is 18 weeks. Today, I saw her for the first time in while; come to find out she has been avoiding me. My neighbors found out that they are pregnant again and she just hasn't had the heart to tell me. So, although I have been blocking all pregnant friends on FB and mostly avoiding it to keep from getting down on myself, these announcements just keep finding their way in.
Again, I am thrilled and happy for everyone else who is blessed with a child, I just want my turn....
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Pits
Traveling home from the beautiful beaches of the gulf coast is the pits. We (along with every other state in the east) had a big Christmas snow storm back home and now I get to return to the wet, sloppy, icy, snowy, COLD weather of home sweet home.
A close friend of mine has been TTC for longer than Mr.A and I. She and her husband just completed their first round of clomid and IUIs right before Christmas, so I knew that a pregnancy announcement was not only in order, but well deserved. I texted her today, just to check on her when she dropped the bomb. No, she has not yet tested, but other, former friends of ours who married over the summer announced their pregnancy.
I guess it was best for her to relay the news so me. After all, she felt the ute punch as hard as I had. I sat there motionless, emotionless as Mr.A and I sat waiting for our plane. He knows, and hates, how much it gets to me; but what can he or I do?
It's only fair that the couple who never had any intention of marrying, who lead a sexually promiscuous life, drink and smoke to be blessed with a child. Really, I wish them well; I am just bitter and feel broken.
Is hard not to let it get to me, but until Mr.A really put it into perspective, I didn't realize how much I let it get me down. We have so much to be thankful for in life, but this one thing trends to outweigh all the positives at least once every month. Usually I am down in the dumps leading up to and including CD1, but this month it started early. So I decided to list all the positives in my life:
My job, it pays well and I love what I do; my loving husband, we have our quirks but we love each other through and though; my dog, she has been our fur-child helping us to better understand the responsibility of having children and always can bring a smile to my face; our savings and ability to save, we have managed to save a years salary plus our designated baby fund before getting pregnant; our house, its close to perfect and almost big enough to be our forever house; my loving family and in-laws, they would all be there for us no matter what; our health, short if TTTC we are both healthy and reasonably fit/active.
I am sure I am missing some but I really needed to make a list for reference when I am feeling down.
A close friend of mine has been TTC for longer than Mr.A and I. She and her husband just completed their first round of clomid and IUIs right before Christmas, so I knew that a pregnancy announcement was not only in order, but well deserved. I texted her today, just to check on her when she dropped the bomb. No, she has not yet tested, but other, former friends of ours who married over the summer announced their pregnancy.
I guess it was best for her to relay the news so me. After all, she felt the ute punch as hard as I had. I sat there motionless, emotionless as Mr.A and I sat waiting for our plane. He knows, and hates, how much it gets to me; but what can he or I do?
It's only fair that the couple who never had any intention of marrying, who lead a sexually promiscuous life, drink and smoke to be blessed with a child. Really, I wish them well; I am just bitter and feel broken.
Is hard not to let it get to me, but until Mr.A really put it into perspective, I didn't realize how much I let it get me down. We have so much to be thankful for in life, but this one thing trends to outweigh all the positives at least once every month. Usually I am down in the dumps leading up to and including CD1, but this month it started early. So I decided to list all the positives in my life:
My job, it pays well and I love what I do; my loving husband, we have our quirks but we love each other through and though; my dog, she has been our fur-child helping us to better understand the responsibility of having children and always can bring a smile to my face; our savings and ability to save, we have managed to save a years salary plus our designated baby fund before getting pregnant; our house, its close to perfect and almost big enough to be our forever house; my loving family and in-laws, they would all be there for us no matter what; our health, short if TTTC we are both healthy and reasonably fit/active.
I am sure I am missing some but I really needed to make a list for reference when I am feeling down.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Getaway
Mr.A and I decided to take a vacation for Christmas this year with the in-laws. It's been beautiful every day we've been here; being in the high 60s or low 70s. It was such a great idea, since it just so happens I am in another two week wait and it has really kept my mind off of babies and phantom symptoms.
This cycle has flown by. AF lasted what seemed like an eternity (until CD8) then I ovulated on CD14 for the first time since I started charting 15 months ago. By the time we get home from vacation I will only have a couple of days to wait before I start testing at 12dpo.
Mr.A is in physical training right now for his job so we have both been much more active recently. We have been working out two or three times a week and have kept up with our new active lifestyle in Florida. We have played family football and basketball and ridden bikes about 5 miles every day.
I can't say it has done much for my physical appearance but I feel great knowing I am trying to be more active in addition to being more healthy.
Well Merry Christmas!! I hope you and all your loved ones have a wonderful holiday and a blessed new year!
This cycle has flown by. AF lasted what seemed like an eternity (until CD8) then I ovulated on CD14 for the first time since I started charting 15 months ago. By the time we get home from vacation I will only have a couple of days to wait before I start testing at 12dpo.
Mr.A is in physical training right now for his job so we have both been much more active recently. We have been working out two or three times a week and have kept up with our new active lifestyle in Florida. We have played family football and basketball and ridden bikes about 5 miles every day.
I can't say it has done much for my physical appearance but I feel great knowing I am trying to be more active in addition to being more healthy.
Well Merry Christmas!! I hope you and all your loved ones have a wonderful holiday and a blessed new year!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A Funny Story
The only light hearted aspect if yesterdays appointment was when I called the fertility clinic to set up Mr.A's S/A. She told me not once, but twice that Mr.A would need to either me or a dirty magazine to "help" collect the sample. So naturally Mr.A asked me why the nurses there didn't assist saying jokingly that he would pick the cute young one to help.
I am glad that even after a hard day we can still laugh.
I am glad that even after a hard day we can still laugh.
Friday, December 17, 2010
RE Appointment
First, I am writing this entry from my phone so please excuse any swype-o's (typos where my phone's swype dictionary picks the wrong word). So Mr.A and I went to see Dr.M today who is a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I made this appointment almost two weeks ago, and let me tell you, this TWW was longer than the monthly TWW.
Over the last two weeks my mind has been running wild with "what if" scenarios ranging from the over dramatic, "what if we can't have kids", to the "what if it's me", and don't forget the "what if something if seriously wrong and one of us needs treatment or worse surgery". Dramatic? Yes. Possible? Yes.
So we meet with Dr.M who is male and reminds me of Mr.A's best man. We give him the normal rundown; off BCPs for 17 months with no protection, charting 15 months and timing intercourse for 12. He did an internal ultrasound showing me my ovaries, uterus and measured the large follicle on the left at 17by12mm (averaging 15mm) on CD11.
He leaves, I get dressed then he returns. He says "I have good news and bad news." We sit there silently. He says, "From what I can see things look relatively normal. But you're infertile". What a blow! I mean yes, after this long I know I am technically "infertile", but the way he said it; without a hint of sympathy cut me to the core.
He said that my ovaries are small, but that they are producing eggs. He was very concerned about my late ovulation even though it is consistent every cycle. He said my lining was very thin for CD11 and that if I could concieve it would most likely not be able to implant. He said its consistently poor ovulation. He checked my thyroid and thought it felt odd and said if I am not pregnant in the next few months that he would like to check my levels again. He said that he can tell that I have some fertility issues but would also like Mr.A to have a semen analysis done just to rule it out.
He prescribed Clomid for the next three months for CDs 3-8 and said that if I wanted close monitoring that we could or we could just see what happens. He explained the next steps after a few months of clomid including IUI and triggering.
We left with me down in the dumps. Mr.A is so optimistic and doesn't understand why I am so down. Really we didn't get any bad news during this appointment. I guess its just hard to know that the problem is me; even if its not a serious issue. So begining in January I will start taking Clomid and see what happens.
Over the last two weeks my mind has been running wild with "what if" scenarios ranging from the over dramatic, "what if we can't have kids", to the "what if it's me", and don't forget the "what if something if seriously wrong and one of us needs treatment or worse surgery". Dramatic? Yes. Possible? Yes.
So we meet with Dr.M who is male and reminds me of Mr.A's best man. We give him the normal rundown; off BCPs for 17 months with no protection, charting 15 months and timing intercourse for 12. He did an internal ultrasound showing me my ovaries, uterus and measured the large follicle on the left at 17by12mm (averaging 15mm) on CD11.
He leaves, I get dressed then he returns. He says "I have good news and bad news." We sit there silently. He says, "From what I can see things look relatively normal. But you're infertile". What a blow! I mean yes, after this long I know I am technically "infertile", but the way he said it; without a hint of sympathy cut me to the core.
He said that my ovaries are small, but that they are producing eggs. He was very concerned about my late ovulation even though it is consistent every cycle. He said my lining was very thin for CD11 and that if I could concieve it would most likely not be able to implant. He said its consistently poor ovulation. He checked my thyroid and thought it felt odd and said if I am not pregnant in the next few months that he would like to check my levels again. He said that he can tell that I have some fertility issues but would also like Mr.A to have a semen analysis done just to rule it out.
He prescribed Clomid for the next three months for CDs 3-8 and said that if I wanted close monitoring that we could or we could just see what happens. He explained the next steps after a few months of clomid including IUI and triggering.
We left with me down in the dumps. Mr.A is so optimistic and doesn't understand why I am so down. Really we didn't get any bad news during this appointment. I guess its just hard to know that the problem is me; even if its not a serious issue. So begining in January I will start taking Clomid and see what happens.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Follow Up to Mr.A's Appointment
Mr.A got his blood results back. No hint of a B12 deficiency, no anemia; in fact nothing out of the ordinary at all. I am relieved that its nothing serious, but still concerned that something is wrong and we don't know what. He will have a follow up appointment in about a month.
On a separate note, I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on Friday next week. Hopefully all these appointments will heed some positive results soon.
On a separate note, I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on Friday next week. Hopefully all these appointments will heed some positive results soon.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Retail Therapy [Torture]
I have never bought things, especially not nice things, for myself. I am a bargain hunter through and through; I love a good deal and find myself buying hideous clothing just because I can get a good deal. Over the last few months I have made a habit of escaping through shopping. I claim that it’s because I am traveling so frequently with work that I need some nice things and a decent array of different outfits. Deep down I know that I am just trying to fill a void in my life and right now. Wearing nice things really does make me feel good about myself; and some days I really need that.
Christmas time means selfless shopping for others. Mr.A and I carefully planned and bought for everyone on our lists except for his Brother and wife; they were our last stop. His brother’s wife just had their second child (his third) in September. We have never got along with them; which is really sad. We have all tried in our own ways to make it work, but we all have very different morals and values. Regardless, I wanted to get them and my beautiful nieces nice gifts. Yesterday, after my second BFN, feeling sick and emotionally unstable I idiotically went to Buy Buy Baby to look for gifts for my nieces.
Can you imagine the number of young children, babies and pregnant women who are in a baby store the size of Bed Bath and Beyond!? In case you can’t, they were everywhere! After daydreaming, trying to stay hopeful for my own BFP and eventually making it back down to Earth, I found some nice things for my nieces. I found myself on the verge of tears throughout the entire shopping trip. Wondering to myself if I would ever be able to have children; wondering if I had done something to deserve the torture of BFN after BFN.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Sad Morning
Every BFN is hard. Every CD1 is a letdown. This mornings stark white BFN was just a slap in the face. I let my phantom symptoms get the best of me once again. I let myself start saying "if", and I let myself start to think about how wonderful it could be to tell our parents over Christmas.
I know not all hope is lost, it is only 12DPO and my temp is still high; but I was nearly certain yesterday. This morning I let go of all certainty and most of the hope I have been desperately clinging to. I am still experiencing all my same symptoms, but I am trying not to attribute them to being KU. My heartburn is back with a vengeance; seriously, how can fruity pebbles cereal give me heartburn??? And I was up most of last night, partly because I was so excited for what the morning could bring, and partly from the heartburn. Now, if only my body could either get better or be positively pregnant. KTHNXBY.
I know not all hope is lost, it is only 12DPO and my temp is still high; but I was nearly certain yesterday. This morning I let go of all certainty and most of the hope I have been desperately clinging to. I am still experiencing all my same symptoms, but I am trying not to attribute them to being KU. My heartburn is back with a vengeance; seriously, how can fruity pebbles cereal give me heartburn??? And I was up most of last night, partly because I was so excited for what the morning could bring, and partly from the heartburn. Now, if only my body could either get better or be positively pregnant. KTHNXBY.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
In the Air
This post could be literal or metaphorical. I am literally flying right now. Until after the holidays, there is free wifi on select flights. I am so giddy about it too. I can nest, play on FB, and blog all while in flight.
Also, my thoughts are up in the air. I am so freaking hopeful this cycle. I thought for sure I was getting sick, but the only additional symptoms I have had are nausea and heartburn. My chart is looking good, and my temp hasn't spiked to a fever level. I traveled this week and lived on tums and ginger ale. Usually I will drink with my work colleagues after meetings and whatnot, but this time I was careful. I ordered pinot noir last night, and sipped for about an hour. I did not even drink 1/3rd of it, but no one noticed.
Yesterday I went to a nice asian bistro for lunch and got a fortune cookie that said: Good luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires. I am praying on my knees God, please let this be it.
Also, my thoughts are up in the air. I am so freaking hopeful this cycle. I thought for sure I was getting sick, but the only additional symptoms I have had are nausea and heartburn. My chart is looking good, and my temp hasn't spiked to a fever level. I traveled this week and lived on tums and ginger ale. Usually I will drink with my work colleagues after meetings and whatnot, but this time I was careful. I ordered pinot noir last night, and sipped for about an hour. I did not even drink 1/3rd of it, but no one noticed.
Yesterday I went to a nice asian bistro for lunch and got a fortune cookie that said: Good luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires. I am praying on my knees God, please let this be it.
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