In due time...right?

Today, I got the text message I was hoping for and half expecting. My friend (who has been trying for 2+ years) is finally pregnant! Her first IUI was successful. I am thrilled for her and her husband, but have found myself really throwing myself a pity party. Now, my only IRL friend who understood and struggled alongside me, is moving on to another chapter; without me.


Mr.A and I moved to our current city about 18 months ago. We have an hour's commute, and work 10 hour days, but are off Friday-Sunday together. It makes for a long day, leaving no time for anything outside of work during the week. We don't go to church, don't belong to a gym, and honestly have no friends aside from our neighbors. Our neighbors are both 35 and have two wonderful kids that let our dog out every day when they get home from school.


Since I don't have many people I can talk to, I have confided in my neighbor about our TTC troubles. Her two sisters who both had endo and PCOS both were trying for more than a year before they were finally able to conceive. Currently, sister #1 is 25 weeks, sister #2 is 18 weeks. Today, I saw her for the first time in while; come to find out she has been avoiding me. My neighbors found out that they are pregnant again and she just hasn't had the heart to tell me. So, although I have been blocking all pregnant friends on FB and mostly avoiding it to keep from getting down on myself, these announcements just keep finding their way in.


Again, I am thrilled and happy for everyone else who is blessed with a child, I just want my turn....

The Pits

Traveling home from the beautiful beaches of the gulf coast is the pits. We (along with every other state in the east) had a big Christmas snow storm back home and now I get to return to the wet, sloppy, icy, snowy, COLD weather of home sweet home.


A close friend of mine has been TTC for longer than Mr.A and I. She and her husband just completed their first round of clomid and IUIs right before Christmas, so I knew that a pregnancy announcement was not only in order, but well deserved. I texted her today, just to check on her when she dropped the bomb. No, she has not yet tested, but other, former friends of ours who married over the summer announced their pregnancy.


I guess it was best for her to relay the news so me. After all, she felt the ute punch as hard as I had. I sat there motionless, emotionless as Mr.A and I sat waiting for our plane. He knows, and hates, how much it gets to me; but what can he or I do?


It's only fair that the couple who never had any intention of marrying, who lead a sexually promiscuous life, drink and smoke to be blessed with a child. Really, I wish them well; I am just bitter and feel broken.


Is hard not to let it get to me, but until Mr.A really put it into perspective, I didn't realize how much I let it get me down. We have so much to be thankful for in life, but this one thing trends to outweigh all the positives at least once every month. Usually I am down in the dumps leading up to and including CD1, but this month it started early. So I decided to list all the positives in my life:


My job, it pays well and I love what I do; my loving husband, we have our quirks but we love each other through and though; my dog, she has been our fur-child helping us to better understand the responsibility of having children and always can bring a smile to my face; our savings and ability to save, we have managed to save a years salary plus our designated baby fund before getting pregnant; our house, its close to perfect and almost big enough to be our forever house; my loving family and in-laws, they would all be there for us no matter what; our health, short if TTTC we are both healthy and reasonably fit/active.


I am sure I am missing some but I really needed to make a list for reference when I am feeling down.

Getaway

Mr.A and I decided to take a vacation for Christmas this year with the in-laws. It's been beautiful every day we've been here; being in the high 60s or low 70s. It was such a great idea, since it just so happens I am in another two week wait and it has really kept my mind off of babies and phantom symptoms.

This cycle has flown by. AF lasted what seemed like an eternity (until CD8) then I ovulated on CD14 for the first time since I started charting 15 months ago. By the time we get home from vacation I will only have a couple of days to wait before I start testing at 12dpo.

Mr.A is in physical training right now for his job so we have both been much more active recently. We have been working out two or three times a week and have kept up with our new active lifestyle in Florida. We have played family football and basketball and ridden bikes about 5 miles every day.

I can't say it has done much for my physical appearance but I feel great knowing I am trying to be more active in addition to being more healthy.

Well Merry Christmas!! I hope you and all your loved ones have a wonderful holiday and a blessed new year!

A Funny Story

The only light hearted aspect if yesterdays appointment was when I called the fertility clinic to set up Mr.A's S/A. She told me not once, but twice that Mr.A would need to either me or a dirty magazine to "help" collect the sample. So naturally Mr.A asked me why the nurses there didn't assist saying jokingly that he would pick the cute young one to help.

I am glad that even after a hard day we can still laugh.

RE Appointment

First, I am writing this entry from my phone so please excuse any swype-o's (typos where my phone's swype dictionary picks the wrong word). So Mr.A and I went to see Dr.M today who is a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I made this appointment almost two weeks ago, and let me tell you, this TWW was longer than the monthly TWW.

Over the last two weeks my mind has been running wild with "what if" scenarios ranging from the over dramatic, "what if we can't have kids", to the "what if it's me", and don't forget the "what if something if seriously wrong and one of us needs treatment or worse surgery". Dramatic? Yes. Possible? Yes.

So we meet with Dr.M who is male and reminds me of Mr.A's best man. We give him the normal rundown; off BCPs for 17 months with no protection, charting 15 months and timing intercourse for 12. He did an internal ultrasound showing me my ovaries, uterus and measured the large follicle on the left at 17by12mm (averaging 15mm) on CD11.

He leaves, I get dressed then he returns. He says "I have good news and bad news." We sit there silently. He says, "From what I can see things look relatively normal. But you're infertile". What a blow! I mean yes, after this long I know I am technically "infertile", but the way he said it; without a hint of sympathy cut me to the core.

He said that my ovaries are small, but that they are producing eggs. He was very concerned about my late ovulation even though it is consistent every cycle. He said my lining was very thin for CD11 and that if I could concieve it would most likely not be able to implant. He said its consistently poor ovulation. He checked my thyroid and thought it felt odd and said if I am not pregnant in the next few months that he would like to check my levels again. He said that he can tell that I have some fertility issues but would also like Mr.A to have a semen analysis done just to rule it out.

He prescribed Clomid for the next three months for CDs 3-8 and said that if I wanted close monitoring that we could or we could just see what happens. He explained the next steps after a few months of clomid including IUI and triggering.

We left with me down in the dumps. Mr.A is so optimistic and doesn't understand why I am so down. Really we didn't get any bad news during this appointment. I guess its just hard to know that the problem is me; even if its not a serious issue. So begining in January I will start taking Clomid and see what happens.

Follow Up to Mr.A's Appointment

Mr.A got his blood results back. No hint of a B12 deficiency, no anemia; in fact nothing out of the ordinary at all. I am relieved that its nothing serious, but still concerned that something is wrong and we don't know what. He will have a follow up appointment in about a month.

On a separate note, I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on Friday next week. Hopefully all these appointments will heed some positive results soon.

Retail Therapy [Torture]

I have never bought things, especially not nice things, for myself. I am a bargain hunter through and through; I love a good deal and find myself buying hideous clothing just because I can get a good deal. Over the last few months I have made a habit of escaping through shopping. I claim that it’s because I am traveling so frequently with work that I need some nice things and a decent array of different outfits. Deep down I know that I am just trying to fill a void in my life and right now. Wearing nice things really does make me feel good about myself; and some days I really need that.

Christmas time means selfless shopping for others. Mr.A and I carefully planned and bought for everyone on our lists except for his Brother and wife; they were our last stop. His brother’s wife just had their second child (his third) in September. We have never got along with them; which is really sad. We have all tried in our own ways to make it work, but we all have very different morals and values. Regardless, I wanted to get them and my beautiful nieces nice gifts. Yesterday, after my second BFN, feeling sick and emotionally unstable I idiotically went to Buy Buy Baby to look for gifts for my nieces.

Can you imagine the number of young children, babies and pregnant women who are in a baby store the size of Bed Bath and Beyond!? In case you can’t, they were everywhere! After daydreaming, trying to stay hopeful for my own BFP and eventually making it back down to Earth, I found some nice things for my nieces. I found myself on the verge of tears throughout the entire shopping trip. Wondering to myself if I would ever be able to have children; wondering if I had done something to deserve the torture of BFN after BFN.

Sad Morning

Every BFN is hard. Every CD1 is a letdown. This mornings stark white BFN was just a slap in the face. I let my phantom symptoms get the best of me once again. I let myself start saying "if", and I let myself start to think about how wonderful it could be to tell our parents over Christmas.

I know not all hope is lost, it is only 12DPO and my temp is still high; but I was nearly certain yesterday. This morning I let go of all certainty and most of the hope I have been desperately clinging to. I am still experiencing all my same symptoms, but I am trying not to attribute them to being KU. My heartburn is back with a vengeance; seriously, how can fruity pebbles cereal give me heartburn??? And I was up most of last night, partly because I was so excited for what the morning could bring, and partly from the heartburn. Now, if only my body could either get better or be positively pregnant. KTHNXBY.

In the Air

This post could be literal or metaphorical. I am literally flying right now. Until after the holidays, there is free wifi on select flights. I am so giddy about it too. I can nest, play on FB, and blog all while in flight.

Also, my thoughts are up in the air. I am so freaking hopeful this cycle. I thought for sure I was getting sick, but the only additional symptoms I have had are nausea and heartburn. My chart is looking good, and my temp hasn't spiked to a fever level. I traveled this week and lived on tums and ginger ale. Usually I will drink with my work colleagues after meetings and whatnot, but this time I was careful. I ordered pinot noir last night, and sipped for about an hour. I did not even drink 1/3rd of it, but no one noticed.

Yesterday I went to a nice asian bistro for lunch and got a fortune cookie that said: Good luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires. I am praying on my knees God, please let this be it.

Getting Sick

My phantom symptoms the last couple of days and my temp spike have had me so hopeful. Until today. I realized that sneezing, coughing and the overall "ugh" feeling aren't pregnancy symptoms. So now, instead of being hopeful I am just moping around with the beginings of a cold.

Hopeful

I had almost forgotten what it was like to be hopeful until this cycle. I am hopeful with all my heart and with the bloat and inevitable holiday weight gain, I am really hoping that this cycle is it! Come on body, work with me.

Worried about Mr.A

Over the years Mr.A has developed small, seemingly insignificant medical issues. Throughout his life he has always been very healthy but recently he has had a growing number of problems.

Mr.A has been a runner his entire life. Within the last couple of years, he started to get weak, shaky, and his hands, arms and face would get tingly and numb during and after running. He would get weak at random times without strenuous physical activity and dizzy and occasionally nauseous for no reason. After it went unseen by others and undiagnosed for two years, I insisted that he speak to a doctor about it.

During this time, he was starting to get more frequent heartburn and indigestion. He was eating Tums like it was his job and it also got to the point where he needed to speak to his doctor.

During his appointment (in February this year) his doctor listened to his concerns and set up a stress test to make sure that his issues were not cardiovascular. His doctor prescribed him medication for his heartburn that he was told to take twice per day. She also was concerned that he might be hypoglycemic based on his weakness and wanted to set up some blood tests to rule out any blood sugar issues. Mr.A did the stress test, and passed without any issues. He followed up with the Dr.s office several times to try to set up the blood tests but they never followed through.

Around the summer Mr.A discontinued working out and running since his numbness, tingling and weakness began coming on worse especially when he does strenuous activity (sad but true confession to follow: including sex).

Edited to add: After talking with a friend last night, I realized that there are some other things Mr.A is experiencing that I did not mention. He has been experiencing Restless Leg Syndrome recently, but thought for sure that it had to do with the fact that he is no longer running and as not very active throughout the day at work. Also, over the last few years he has had what I can only describe as mini seizures during the middle of the night (this only occurs once a month or less). He feels as though he is caught in a trance between being asleep and awake and will have self-induced panic attacks because he feels as though he cannot breath. When he is caught in his "trance" he cannot move, but is aware of every thing around him. Once we were laying in bed, spooning and I could feel his eyelashes tickling my neck. I moved a little since he was tickling me and he jumped up gasping for air. Generally, I have no idea these episodes are happening until he wakes up, but they have always scared me. We have talked to several doctors but since it does not happen frequently and we cannot find what triggers it, even with a sleep study there is no guarantee that it would happen.
Fast forward to the present. The medication that Mr.A has been taking for his heartburn just doesn't do the trick anymore. He is taking it twice daily as prescribed and also eating several Tums to supplement it. He called his doctor and picked up a new prescription today.

On the pamphlet, there was one section that caught my eye. It said, "Tell your doctor immediately if any of these highly unlikely but very serious side effects occur: signs of vitamin B-12 deficiency (eg. unusual weakness, sore tongue, numbness, or tingling of the hands/feet)." After reading this, I decided to consult Doctor Google and find out more about Vitamin B-12 deficiency. I read that it can cause all of his neurological symptoms, mental symptoms including irritability and depression, AND gastrointestinal issues (which can include heartburn).

After reading about Vitamin B-12 deficiency, I am worried. Dr. Google stated that some of the neurological problems are irreversible depending on how quickly it is caught; these issues have been going on for probably 2 years. Mr.A said he would set up an appointment in the morning to go get some of the necessary blood tests. I am worried that this could be the cause of so many of his issues but hopeful that if it is at least we know what needs to be done to fix it all. If you could spare some extra thoughts and prayers please pray for my wonderful and loving Mr.A.

Stress and TTC

I never realized how much stress a person could put on themselves over something that is reasonably out of their control. I always thought that having children was one of those things that was not "planned" per-se. I was always told that "if you wait until you are ready, you will never have children". That is not entirely true.

Mr.A and I have been living like we are still in college, saving every dime that is unspent in our monthly budgets. We had a designated savings for buying a house; then once we cleared that life hurdle, the savings changed to the Baby/Emergency fund. I would say that Mr.A and I are as emotionally and financially ready as we could possibly ever be.

The stress of TTC has been a burden I felt the most. I was the one always temping, taking PNVs, watching what I ate and drank and keeping track of my CM and cycles. Mr.A is a realist. He knows that people have been getting pregnant for thousands of years without assistance; without science. For the last year, he never understood why CD1 and consistently BFNs were always so hard for me. There were times that he wouldn't be able to muster the energy to BD around my ovulation and didn't understand why it would upset me.

Over the last few months, he has started to really come around. He wants this just as much as I do. He has started taking supplements of his own to help boost his health and fertility. He is much more in tune with my charting and really wants to understand everything. I appreciate his new attitude, but have also realized how much pressure it is putting on him.

As much as I want to begin the fertility testing in the next couple of months, I feel so many reservations. I want so badly to believe that it will happen when it happens. I want to try the cliche route of relaxing for the next 4-6 months. But then I realize that I have "relaxed", I have given up charting, I have tracked my cycles, taken OPKs, drank 10 different types of tea and POM, BD'd EOD and ED; I have done everything within my control and it still hasn't happened.

Life Stress

Generally, I handle stress and challenge well. I am always up for proving others wrong, especially in my work. I work in a male dominated profession and have come to be a trusted advisor on nearly everything within our project. I am hundreds of miles away from my main office and work as a sole person in a "satellite" office. Within this career, I have hit the highest of highs when I reach my own professional goals, and the lowest of lows when I have been continually put down and under appreciated by my company.

I finally realized that the stressors accompanying my lows, in addition to my failed TTC journey within my personal life was making me bitter, resentful and very down. I consider myself to be a strong person, but there was a point a month or so ago that I really felt as though my entire life was falling apart. It was then I decided that it was time to see someone, a professional to talk to.

I found my LCSW through my insurance; she specializes in infertility, occupational stress and marriage/family counselling; all things that I wanted to talk about. Through our sessions she has brought my subconscious to the forefront and has helped me determine my failed coping skills and create new and better ways to cope with my stress and TTC anxiety.

Ironically, after I started seeing her and talking about the stressors in my life; things [at work] started to change. I received an award through my company for Outstanding Service, and a bonus. Then last week I had my review, receiving top marks and a raise. None of this had ever happened before, which was why I felt so under appreciated and down about my work.

I want to be sure you know that I love my work. For the last couple of years, I have only been able to get through the other life challenges through my work and it really hurt me to know that my company did not appreciate me. Now that I realize that my company is starting to recognize me and the fact that I love my job/work; I am sitting here at a cross road. I cannot be super-worker, able to travel at the drop of a dime, committed to my work and mission 100% if I become a mom. I know that my priorities will flip 180 degrees and I want to be able to be super Mom. For a while, I said I would do this job, save money then take off for 3-5 years and be a SAHM. Now, I am not so sure.

I have to pee!

This month, Mr.A and I have decided to go all out with the TTC tricks and old wives tales. We figure that what we have been trying this whole time hasn't worked, so we might as well test out some of the other natural methods.

-Green Tea. Drinking it at least once per day. I started at about CD5 and will drink it every day until I confirm O. Green tea is thought to help with increasing fertile cervical mucus (EWCM).
-POM. I started this a little later than the green tea because I had a coupon and kept forgetting it when I went to the store. Pom is thought to be helpful in increasing your uterine lining to help with implantation.
-Raspberry tea leaf. This was recommended to me but I am not sure what it is supposed to help with; I will take any help I can get.

Before this month, the liquids I would drink were mostly Diet Coke, water and occasionally coffee. Adding all of these drinks into my daily routine has increased my bathroom trips 5 times. I am hopeful this month, but know that after adding all these tips/tricks into my life the disappointment of a BFN would be even harder than all of the months before.

My Back Story

In my months of lurking and posting on GP, I have come to know so many women. Some who’s TTC journey have been several years, and some whose journey lasted merely one month. No one ever wants to believe that they could be in the minority group labeled “infertile”, but I have found that more women are there than I realized.

My husband, Mr.A, and I have been married for two and a half years. We have moved several times since we married and are finally falling into our niches in our professions, bought our first home, have student loans paid off, and plan to start a family. In actuality, all of those things have been in place and we have been planning on starting a family for quite some time; it just hasn't happened yet.

I stopped taking hormonal BCP in August of 2009, and thanks to the recommendations from GP, read “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and began charting to avoid. We planned to TTA until October 2010 so that we would have all of our finances in order. But things in life never go quite as planned. My grandmother, who had been pushing us to have children, had a debilitating stroke just after New Year’s this year and passed away a couple of days later. Mr. A and I did a lot of soul searching and realized that life was too short to wait for the perfect time. We had plenty of savings and all of our debt had been paid off; what were we waiting for.

We changed our official “TTC” status to “Not Not Trying”; you know that weird in-between time where you aren’t timing intercourse, but you aren’t protecting yourself either. After months of carefree BDing, we started to really TTC in April. Today, after nearly 12 months without any protection, and 8 months of well timed intercourse, Mr.A and I are on the brink of being considered the forbidden “I” word; infertile. At my annual appointment this year, my [4.5 months pregnant OB/GYN] kindly and gently told me that if it doesn’t happen in the next couple of months that we are technically considered infertile and that she would like to start the testing that we need to find out where our problems lie.