Getting Sick

My phantom symptoms the last couple of days and my temp spike have had me so hopeful. Until today. I realized that sneezing, coughing and the overall "ugh" feeling aren't pregnancy symptoms. So now, instead of being hopeful I am just moping around with the beginings of a cold.

Hopeful

I had almost forgotten what it was like to be hopeful until this cycle. I am hopeful with all my heart and with the bloat and inevitable holiday weight gain, I am really hoping that this cycle is it! Come on body, work with me.

Worried about Mr.A

Over the years Mr.A has developed small, seemingly insignificant medical issues. Throughout his life he has always been very healthy but recently he has had a growing number of problems.

Mr.A has been a runner his entire life. Within the last couple of years, he started to get weak, shaky, and his hands, arms and face would get tingly and numb during and after running. He would get weak at random times without strenuous physical activity and dizzy and occasionally nauseous for no reason. After it went unseen by others and undiagnosed for two years, I insisted that he speak to a doctor about it.

During this time, he was starting to get more frequent heartburn and indigestion. He was eating Tums like it was his job and it also got to the point where he needed to speak to his doctor.

During his appointment (in February this year) his doctor listened to his concerns and set up a stress test to make sure that his issues were not cardiovascular. His doctor prescribed him medication for his heartburn that he was told to take twice per day. She also was concerned that he might be hypoglycemic based on his weakness and wanted to set up some blood tests to rule out any blood sugar issues. Mr.A did the stress test, and passed without any issues. He followed up with the Dr.s office several times to try to set up the blood tests but they never followed through.

Around the summer Mr.A discontinued working out and running since his numbness, tingling and weakness began coming on worse especially when he does strenuous activity (sad but true confession to follow: including sex).

Edited to add: After talking with a friend last night, I realized that there are some other things Mr.A is experiencing that I did not mention. He has been experiencing Restless Leg Syndrome recently, but thought for sure that it had to do with the fact that he is no longer running and as not very active throughout the day at work. Also, over the last few years he has had what I can only describe as mini seizures during the middle of the night (this only occurs once a month or less). He feels as though he is caught in a trance between being asleep and awake and will have self-induced panic attacks because he feels as though he cannot breath. When he is caught in his "trance" he cannot move, but is aware of every thing around him. Once we were laying in bed, spooning and I could feel his eyelashes tickling my neck. I moved a little since he was tickling me and he jumped up gasping for air. Generally, I have no idea these episodes are happening until he wakes up, but they have always scared me. We have talked to several doctors but since it does not happen frequently and we cannot find what triggers it, even with a sleep study there is no guarantee that it would happen.
Fast forward to the present. The medication that Mr.A has been taking for his heartburn just doesn't do the trick anymore. He is taking it twice daily as prescribed and also eating several Tums to supplement it. He called his doctor and picked up a new prescription today.

On the pamphlet, there was one section that caught my eye. It said, "Tell your doctor immediately if any of these highly unlikely but very serious side effects occur: signs of vitamin B-12 deficiency (eg. unusual weakness, sore tongue, numbness, or tingling of the hands/feet)." After reading this, I decided to consult Doctor Google and find out more about Vitamin B-12 deficiency. I read that it can cause all of his neurological symptoms, mental symptoms including irritability and depression, AND gastrointestinal issues (which can include heartburn).

After reading about Vitamin B-12 deficiency, I am worried. Dr. Google stated that some of the neurological problems are irreversible depending on how quickly it is caught; these issues have been going on for probably 2 years. Mr.A said he would set up an appointment in the morning to go get some of the necessary blood tests. I am worried that this could be the cause of so many of his issues but hopeful that if it is at least we know what needs to be done to fix it all. If you could spare some extra thoughts and prayers please pray for my wonderful and loving Mr.A.

Stress and TTC

I never realized how much stress a person could put on themselves over something that is reasonably out of their control. I always thought that having children was one of those things that was not "planned" per-se. I was always told that "if you wait until you are ready, you will never have children". That is not entirely true.

Mr.A and I have been living like we are still in college, saving every dime that is unspent in our monthly budgets. We had a designated savings for buying a house; then once we cleared that life hurdle, the savings changed to the Baby/Emergency fund. I would say that Mr.A and I are as emotionally and financially ready as we could possibly ever be.

The stress of TTC has been a burden I felt the most. I was the one always temping, taking PNVs, watching what I ate and drank and keeping track of my CM and cycles. Mr.A is a realist. He knows that people have been getting pregnant for thousands of years without assistance; without science. For the last year, he never understood why CD1 and consistently BFNs were always so hard for me. There were times that he wouldn't be able to muster the energy to BD around my ovulation and didn't understand why it would upset me.

Over the last few months, he has started to really come around. He wants this just as much as I do. He has started taking supplements of his own to help boost his health and fertility. He is much more in tune with my charting and really wants to understand everything. I appreciate his new attitude, but have also realized how much pressure it is putting on him.

As much as I want to begin the fertility testing in the next couple of months, I feel so many reservations. I want so badly to believe that it will happen when it happens. I want to try the cliche route of relaxing for the next 4-6 months. But then I realize that I have "relaxed", I have given up charting, I have tracked my cycles, taken OPKs, drank 10 different types of tea and POM, BD'd EOD and ED; I have done everything within my control and it still hasn't happened.

Life Stress

Generally, I handle stress and challenge well. I am always up for proving others wrong, especially in my work. I work in a male dominated profession and have come to be a trusted advisor on nearly everything within our project. I am hundreds of miles away from my main office and work as a sole person in a "satellite" office. Within this career, I have hit the highest of highs when I reach my own professional goals, and the lowest of lows when I have been continually put down and under appreciated by my company.

I finally realized that the stressors accompanying my lows, in addition to my failed TTC journey within my personal life was making me bitter, resentful and very down. I consider myself to be a strong person, but there was a point a month or so ago that I really felt as though my entire life was falling apart. It was then I decided that it was time to see someone, a professional to talk to.

I found my LCSW through my insurance; she specializes in infertility, occupational stress and marriage/family counselling; all things that I wanted to talk about. Through our sessions she has brought my subconscious to the forefront and has helped me determine my failed coping skills and create new and better ways to cope with my stress and TTC anxiety.

Ironically, after I started seeing her and talking about the stressors in my life; things [at work] started to change. I received an award through my company for Outstanding Service, and a bonus. Then last week I had my review, receiving top marks and a raise. None of this had ever happened before, which was why I felt so under appreciated and down about my work.

I want to be sure you know that I love my work. For the last couple of years, I have only been able to get through the other life challenges through my work and it really hurt me to know that my company did not appreciate me. Now that I realize that my company is starting to recognize me and the fact that I love my job/work; I am sitting here at a cross road. I cannot be super-worker, able to travel at the drop of a dime, committed to my work and mission 100% if I become a mom. I know that my priorities will flip 180 degrees and I want to be able to be super Mom. For a while, I said I would do this job, save money then take off for 3-5 years and be a SAHM. Now, I am not so sure.

I have to pee!

This month, Mr.A and I have decided to go all out with the TTC tricks and old wives tales. We figure that what we have been trying this whole time hasn't worked, so we might as well test out some of the other natural methods.

-Green Tea. Drinking it at least once per day. I started at about CD5 and will drink it every day until I confirm O. Green tea is thought to help with increasing fertile cervical mucus (EWCM).
-POM. I started this a little later than the green tea because I had a coupon and kept forgetting it when I went to the store. Pom is thought to be helpful in increasing your uterine lining to help with implantation.
-Raspberry tea leaf. This was recommended to me but I am not sure what it is supposed to help with; I will take any help I can get.

Before this month, the liquids I would drink were mostly Diet Coke, water and occasionally coffee. Adding all of these drinks into my daily routine has increased my bathroom trips 5 times. I am hopeful this month, but know that after adding all these tips/tricks into my life the disappointment of a BFN would be even harder than all of the months before.

My Back Story

In my months of lurking and posting on GP, I have come to know so many women. Some who’s TTC journey have been several years, and some whose journey lasted merely one month. No one ever wants to believe that they could be in the minority group labeled “infertile”, but I have found that more women are there than I realized.

My husband, Mr.A, and I have been married for two and a half years. We have moved several times since we married and are finally falling into our niches in our professions, bought our first home, have student loans paid off, and plan to start a family. In actuality, all of those things have been in place and we have been planning on starting a family for quite some time; it just hasn't happened yet.

I stopped taking hormonal BCP in August of 2009, and thanks to the recommendations from GP, read “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and began charting to avoid. We planned to TTA until October 2010 so that we would have all of our finances in order. But things in life never go quite as planned. My grandmother, who had been pushing us to have children, had a debilitating stroke just after New Year’s this year and passed away a couple of days later. Mr. A and I did a lot of soul searching and realized that life was too short to wait for the perfect time. We had plenty of savings and all of our debt had been paid off; what were we waiting for.

We changed our official “TTC” status to “Not Not Trying”; you know that weird in-between time where you aren’t timing intercourse, but you aren’t protecting yourself either. After months of carefree BDing, we started to really TTC in April. Today, after nearly 12 months without any protection, and 8 months of well timed intercourse, Mr.A and I are on the brink of being considered the forbidden “I” word; infertile. At my annual appointment this year, my [4.5 months pregnant OB/GYN] kindly and gently told me that if it doesn’t happen in the next couple of months that we are technically considered infertile and that she would like to start the testing that we need to find out where our problems lie.