I have been trying to keep offline to try to stay sane. If you've been following along, yes, we lost the baby. My hcg levels never rose above 30 and my progesterone began to fall nearly immediately. I began progesterone supplements three times daily but it couldn't prevent the inevitable from happening. Even though it was "easier", this second loss has really made me question everything about myself.
About once a month, I have these very very down days where I loathe myself. After two years, I had begun to question whether or not IF was a sign that I shouldn't get pregnant. Now after two losses, I am wondering if this is a sign that I shouldn't be a mother....or maybe not right now. To add to my questioning continuing on this TTTC and multiple loss path, last week my boss asked me to take an incredible opportunity with my work. This opportunity would promote me into a long-term, permanent postion plus an immediate increase in salary + another increase in a year, as well as giving me formal management responsibilities. Professionally, it couldn't be a better opportunity, but personally I feel like taking this position would be equivalent to giving up with my dreams of a family.
If I were to take this position, I would have to commute 4 hours and get an apartment and only come home on the weekends. I would have to wait at least a year to pursue having a family, and would see my husband less than I do now, if that is even possible. On the plus side, taking this position would springboard me into nearly any position I could ever want and allow for me to transfer nearly anywhere in the country. If I put off all babymaking and family for a year, careerwise I could potentially be set for life.
Mr.A said that he would fully support any decision I would make, but I honestly don't know what to do. We are young, we don't have to start our family yet. When we got married and I committed myself to the transient lifestyle that is a military wife, I never thought I would have a career worth keeping. I always thought I would feel success when Mr.A achieved his dreams and when we had our family. Now, I am terrified that giving up this incredible opportunity and my current job to have a family might not be the right choice.
I HATE hate hate the unknown and I hate that the universe seems to be steering me down a certain path....help me.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Failure
I feel like such a failure
We were blessed with a surprise +HPT in the days before the beginning of my first treatment cycle. So, horay! My body has finally figured out how to get pregnant, after two years. Sadly, it has failed to understand the concept of staying pregnant. According to my bloodwork, I am losing this baby too.
So, the one thing most natural in life seems so unattainable making me a failure of a mother, a wife, a woman.
We were blessed with a surprise +HPT in the days before the beginning of my first treatment cycle. So, horay! My body has finally figured out how to get pregnant, after two years. Sadly, it has failed to understand the concept of staying pregnant. According to my bloodwork, I am losing this baby too.
So, the one thing most natural in life seems so unattainable making me a failure of a mother, a wife, a woman.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Met with the new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)
Yesterday, Mr.A and I went to meet with our new RE. I always get so nervous before appointments like this, where I feel as though the outcome of the appointment could determine the rest of our lives. First we met with a young medical student who went through my records from Dr.K, my bloodwork, loss, diagnosis of MTHFR etc. She was pretty knowledgeable and very personable. If she becomes a RE, she will do well. She left, then returned with Dr.S, a nationally recognized infertility specialist.
Dr.S went through Mr.A's medical history, and ordered him to get a S/A before we begin treatment in two short weeks.
Dr.S was patient with me as I asked my one million and one questions. She was very knowledgeable on MTHFR and stated that my particular gene mutation is the one where having extra folate was critical. She also wanted to run some bloodwork to check my homocysteine levels which can rise if your folic acid intake is not enough. A pregnant mother with MTHFR and increased homocystein levels is much more likely to have a child with neural/tubal defects; which we are trying to avoid. In addition, Dr.S said that recent research has shown a correlation between a mother taking asprin prior to ovulation and infertility. After I was diagnosed with MTHFR, I was told to take one baby asprin daily to aid with conception. Dr.S asked that I only take it now after I have confirmed ovulation.
Next, we discussed my low progesterone levels when I was pregnant before. She told me that as soon as I get a +HPT, to begin progesterone immediately. Since I was on CD20, she ordered a blood draw to check progesterone. I had a voicemail this afternoon, she didn't leave results but asked me to return their call. By the time I listened to their voicemail they had already closed for the day.
Finally, we discussed our path forward and costs. Beginning next cycle, we will begin monitoring and introduce an HCG trigger shot to force ovulation. The trigger will only be around $75, but if the ultrasounds are not covered by my insurance (may or may not depending on how they are billed), they will be nearly $300 each. After trying this route for a few months, we will move onto IUIs will will be a little more expensive each cycle.
Overall, the appointment went really well and we are excited to move forward. We just hope that with our insane travel schedules, everything works out and I am able to get pregnant.
Dr.S went through Mr.A's medical history, and ordered him to get a S/A before we begin treatment in two short weeks.
Dr.S was patient with me as I asked my one million and one questions. She was very knowledgeable on MTHFR and stated that my particular gene mutation is the one where having extra folate was critical. She also wanted to run some bloodwork to check my homocysteine levels which can rise if your folic acid intake is not enough. A pregnant mother with MTHFR and increased homocystein levels is much more likely to have a child with neural/tubal defects; which we are trying to avoid. In addition, Dr.S said that recent research has shown a correlation between a mother taking asprin prior to ovulation and infertility. After I was diagnosed with MTHFR, I was told to take one baby asprin daily to aid with conception. Dr.S asked that I only take it now after I have confirmed ovulation.
Next, we discussed my low progesterone levels when I was pregnant before. She told me that as soon as I get a +HPT, to begin progesterone immediately. Since I was on CD20, she ordered a blood draw to check progesterone. I had a voicemail this afternoon, she didn't leave results but asked me to return their call. By the time I listened to their voicemail they had already closed for the day.
Finally, we discussed our path forward and costs. Beginning next cycle, we will begin monitoring and introduce an HCG trigger shot to force ovulation. The trigger will only be around $75, but if the ultrasounds are not covered by my insurance (may or may not depending on how they are billed), they will be nearly $300 each. After trying this route for a few months, we will move onto IUIs will will be a little more expensive each cycle.
Overall, the appointment went really well and we are excited to move forward. We just hope that with our insane travel schedules, everything works out and I am able to get pregnant.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)