Long time....no post....

I have been trying to keep offline to try to stay sane. If you've been following along, yes, we lost the baby. My hcg levels never rose above 30 and my progesterone began to fall nearly immediately. I began progesterone supplements three times daily but it couldn't prevent the inevitable from happening. Even though it was "easier", this second loss has really made me question everything about myself.

About once a month, I have these very very down days where I loathe myself. After two years, I had begun to question whether or not IF was a sign that I shouldn't get pregnant. Now after two losses, I am wondering if this is a sign that I shouldn't be a mother....or maybe not right now. To add to my questioning continuing on this TTTC and multiple loss path, last week my boss asked me to take an incredible opportunity with my work. This opportunity would promote me into a long-term, permanent postion plus an immediate increase in salary + another increase in a year, as well as giving me formal management responsibilities. Professionally, it couldn't be a better opportunity, but personally I feel like taking this position would be equivalent to giving up with my dreams of a family.

If I were to take this position, I would have to commute 4 hours and get an apartment and only come home on the weekends. I would have to wait at least a year to pursue having a family, and would see my husband less than I do now, if that is even possible. On the plus side, taking this position would springboard me into nearly any position I could ever want and allow for me to transfer nearly anywhere in the country. If I put off all babymaking and family for a year, careerwise I could potentially be set for life.

Mr.A said that he would fully support any decision I would make, but I honestly don't know what to do. We are young, we don't have to start our family yet. When we got married and I committed myself to the transient lifestyle that is a military wife, I never thought I would have a career worth keeping. I always thought I would feel success when Mr.A achieved his dreams and when we had our family. Now, I am terrified that giving up this incredible opportunity and my current job to have a family might not be the right choice.

I HATE hate hate the unknown and I hate that the universe seems to be steering me down a certain path....help me.