Communication

The one thing I’ve learned through all of IF is that it really does make you question everything about yourself, your partner, your life and purpose. It alters relationships for the good and the bad but most of all, it forces you to be able to vocalize your discontent. If I couldn’t discuss my frustrations with those within my support system, especially Mr.A, I would simply explode.

Yesterday I was beyond frustrated and unfortunately most of my frustration was focused on Mr.A. Although I was not pumping myself full of hormones this cycle, I was very disappointed that our timing seemed to doom this cycle.

Mr.A tries to always stay optimistic always saying, “Don’t worry! We will try tomorrow, next week, next month”.  The issue is, I often interpret it as he doesn’t understand what I am going through today or how much I wanted this yesterday, last month, or last year. In an attempt to keep the intimacy alive this cycle, I’ve been more romantic and touchy feely than vocal (read: I don’t say, “I am O’ing today, you don’t have a choice”).

This weekend, when my attempts failed I did not persist and rather just became frustrated. However, when I found out that my body was ready to O yesterday and that we had wasted our chances on Saturday and Sunday, I was livid.

After reaching out to a friend yesterday (Thank you, tdmd), I realized that Mr.A and I really needed a powwow otherwise I was going to be upset and blame him for yet another failed cycle.

I called him while he sat at the airport waiting for his flight.  I told him that I was frustrated with the entire situation but especially at myself for not being more persistent. I did not feel it was right to place my blame and frustration completely on him, and I didn’t want him to think I was attacking him. He apologized several times and said that he didn’t realize that our critical window was afoot and asked why I had not said anything to him. I told him the truth; I didn’t want to put more pressure on him and I wanted to try to keep things romantic. He said that while he appreciated me trying to “keep things fun”, he knew we had a purpose and vocalizing that instead of pretending otherwise would be best for both of us.

I felt much better after we talked.  As it turns out, I had a negative OPK last night and this morning, therefore this cycle is not necessarily doomed after all. I followed my doctor’s orders and gave myself the Ovidel shot this morning to force ovulation within 24-36 hours. Since he will be returning from his trip tonight, we may still have a chance.  Fingers crossed.

U/S Update

I went in today for my follow up u/s (CD14). I was plesantly surprised to see that I have one mature follie at 17mm, albeit disappointed that our timing is undoubtedly off since Mr.A left today to go out of town. This weekend was critical, and left much to be desired.

If I don't ovulate before then, I will be triggering in the morning and praying for a miracle once again.

Cycle 30

I’ve been having a really difficult time dealing with our last failed cycle. It is science people, how could it not work!?

Originally, we decided to take a month off for a little physical, mental and emotional respite, but then I received my benefits packet from my new employer. Although I don’t qualify for benefits until May 1, apparently I have to elect my benefits between Mar 1 and April 1. This means that the cycle I am in now is the only cycle I have left before I have to make the decision on whether or not to enroll in this very expensive coverage through my employer.

That said, we decided to do a bit of monitoring and possibly Ovidrel again this cycle. I went in yesterday for my CD11 u/s. My largest follie was only 10mm and they want me to come back on Sunday for a repeat. My insurance changed to Mr.A’s this month and it is not covering any part of the  ovidrel prescription. I am not certain whether or not it is going to cover the u/s either, so I am a bit leery about having another one done this weekend. At this point, I haven’t decided what to do….. I am waiting for the nurse to call and hopefully figure it all out.

In addition, guess which klutz hooked her boot heal inside of her pants hem and tumbled down about 10 (industrial, metal/concrete) steps inside of the hospital garage. ME! That was on my way to the RE appointment. I banged up my shoulder, tailbone, and knee, have bruising on my arm, elbow and shin, and scraped my arm and hand.  Today, I hurt; I feel like I was in a car accident.

Answers .... FINALLY!!

We received the results from my insanely expensive (17 vials worth) of blood work I had tested about a month ago. Guess what? They finally found something wrong with me!! Most people would be sad that something is wrong. Not me! I’ve known something was wrong, but no doctor has even been able to determine what. They did a very specific test for Anti-Thyroglobulin Antibody. Normal levels are below .4 and mine were 1.7 (more than 4 times normal). This has been linked very closely with infertility. Women with high levels of anti-thyroglobulin antibody who are trying to become pregnant can miscarry or be infertile. Anti-thyroglobulin antibody can interfere with implantation of the embryo in the uterus.

They are putting me on a medicine called Synthroid immediately at 25mcg. I do not know how long it takes for the medication to take effect to help prevent all of the things my body is apparently doing wrong, but am hoping that this little pill will be the answer to my prayers and fix my broken body!  

TODAY.SUCKS : SKCUS.YADOT

Exactly one year ago today, we knew for certain that we had lost our baby and I went in for surgery. I was shaking; terrified that I was making the wrong decision, trying to cling to the hope that maybe the doctors were wrong.

About a month ago, I began a new cycle. It was the first medicated cycle with oral medicines, injections, suppositories, plus baby aspirin, and progesterone after ovulation. Everything went perfectly. I responded to medications, timing was perfect; I even gave up caffeine and alcohol because I KNEW this was it. My magical, miracle cycle.

I waited patiently for 13 days after giving myself the trigger; 12DPO. I love even numbers, and my test date was all even [another *positive* sign]. Last night, I couldn’t sleep and when I did, I had dreams of a glaringly positive test a growing belly, and a happy family.

I finally got up to test this morning. I used a cheap test, since I’ve found it is actually the most sensitive. I didn’t wait more than a minute, before I decided that I would also use one of my digitals. Now, I’ve only ever used digitals when I am *positive* that I am pregnant; therefore, they have only ever said “pregnant”. Not this one.

I crawled back into bed in the small space between Mr.A and the edge of the bed and sobbed uncontrollably. At first, he probably couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing; since anymore I cry over everything. But he figured it out pretty quickly when I said, “I was so sure….it just isn’t fair”.