Communication

The one thing I’ve learned through all of IF is that it really does make you question everything about yourself, your partner, your life and purpose. It alters relationships for the good and the bad but most of all, it forces you to be able to vocalize your discontent. If I couldn’t discuss my frustrations with those within my support system, especially Mr.A, I would simply explode.

Yesterday I was beyond frustrated and unfortunately most of my frustration was focused on Mr.A. Although I was not pumping myself full of hormones this cycle, I was very disappointed that our timing seemed to doom this cycle.

Mr.A tries to always stay optimistic always saying, “Don’t worry! We will try tomorrow, next week, next month”.  The issue is, I often interpret it as he doesn’t understand what I am going through today or how much I wanted this yesterday, last month, or last year. In an attempt to keep the intimacy alive this cycle, I’ve been more romantic and touchy feely than vocal (read: I don’t say, “I am O’ing today, you don’t have a choice”).

This weekend, when my attempts failed I did not persist and rather just became frustrated. However, when I found out that my body was ready to O yesterday and that we had wasted our chances on Saturday and Sunday, I was livid.

After reaching out to a friend yesterday (Thank you, tdmd), I realized that Mr.A and I really needed a powwow otherwise I was going to be upset and blame him for yet another failed cycle.

I called him while he sat at the airport waiting for his flight.  I told him that I was frustrated with the entire situation but especially at myself for not being more persistent. I did not feel it was right to place my blame and frustration completely on him, and I didn’t want him to think I was attacking him. He apologized several times and said that he didn’t realize that our critical window was afoot and asked why I had not said anything to him. I told him the truth; I didn’t want to put more pressure on him and I wanted to try to keep things romantic. He said that while he appreciated me trying to “keep things fun”, he knew we had a purpose and vocalizing that instead of pretending otherwise would be best for both of us.

I felt much better after we talked.  As it turns out, I had a negative OPK last night and this morning, therefore this cycle is not necessarily doomed after all. I followed my doctor’s orders and gave myself the Ovidel shot this morning to force ovulation within 24-36 hours. Since he will be returning from his trip tonight, we may still have a chance.  Fingers crossed.