New Doctor

I went to a new OB/GYN by the recommendation of Mr.A's friend, John. His wife had suffered three losses and IF, but had had three healthy babies (twins and a singleton) at this practice. I went with high hopes and high expectations.

My first impression was a great one. They had separate entrances and waiting rooms for OB versus GYN; how nice!! Meaning, I wouldn't have to fight back tears seeing the plumply pregnant moms-to-be comparing their stats and bumps with one another.

I was taken back, and did the normal weight and height. I have actually gained weight for the first time since being pregnant. I have been losing weight every time I have been weighed since February and was actually down 15-20 lbs the last time I was weighed. Now, I am finally at a weight where I feel comfortable!

The doctor came in and began going through the normal questions. I gave her my files from Dr.K which clearly stated my unexplained IF diagnosis, bloodwork, hormone levels, that she suspected Endometriosis and PCOS, my loss, MTHFR etc. The doctor had the nerve to tell me to have sex every-other day leading up to CD14, and to just relax. Are you F*ing kidding me!? Have you ever dealt with IF before? I've been trying for over two years and you think that relaxing is going to be the miracle to getting me pregnant?! I let her know that I ovulate late, and it has been shown through my follicular scans that my folicles are ready to O on CD14, but that my LH does not surge until CD17-20, over maturing my egg(s).

All she kept saying was, "But you were able to get pregnant". Yes, true. The only cycle that my body cooperated and O'd at CD14 was the only cycle in 2 YEARS where I was able to conceive a child, and I lost that child. She then went on to say that MTFHR (yes she had the acronym wrong), would not put me in a higher risk category even though Dr.K said differently. She was also not concerned about my low progesterone levels the last time I was pregnant. Lastly, she said that I would have to have three losses before they would do any type of beta testing, progesterone levels/supplements, early ultrasounds (before 18-20 weeks). I will tell you one thing, I will not go through two more losses without monitoring and doing everything possible to keep those babies.

Then I redirected the conversation back to IF. I kindly let her know that I had been putting off the additional IF testing until we had moved and were settled and that I would prefer to have the testing through the OBGYN office so my insurance would cover the diagnostic aspect of it, and I would cover the IF treatments through the RE's office. She fought me tooth and nail on going in for HSG testing. She stated that since I was able to get pregnant (saying this for the 10th time), I don't need an HSG. I let her know that the REs office will not allow for the IUI until a clear HSG and positive semen analysis are completed. Then she said something that about made me explode and go off the deep end; "IUIs are only  for patients with cervical mucus issues. And why would we order an S/A for your husband?". Wait, what?! First of all, you haven't even examined me. How do you know that I don't have issues with CM? And why wouldn't you order and S/A for my husband? Oh wait, I know; because I was able to get pregnant once, in two years of trying.

I left the appointment so disheartened. I feel like I know more about IF than a freaking doctor. Ugh.  Needless to say, I have another appointment this coming Friday with another OB/GYN that works very closely with my REs office; I pray it will go more smoothly.

Yet another failed cycle....

Yesterday, I cried at Starbucks. Twice. My flight here got in extremely early, so I went to Starbucks to get on my work email for 4 hours before my meeting. Apparently stay-at-home-moms with perfectly mannered kids congregate there. Crying might have been a bit of an over reaction, I just get so down on myself. As my due date approaches, seeing pregnant women, babies and young children gets harder and harder.


However, I am not taking a backseat to infertility any longer. Next Friday, I have my first appointment with my new OB/GYN to discuss IF, MTHFR, schedule testing, and move forward. Mr.A is convinced that since we were able to get pregnant once, we will be able to again, unassisted. Although that might be true, it has taken us two years and suffering one loss to get where we are now; no where. I am not waiting any longer. Pending how our testing comes out, I am hoping we can move forward with IUI #1 with a local RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) in early October. Our crazy work and travel schedules will make my monitoring and the actual IUI very difficult to pull off, and with the estimated out of pocket cost around $1000 after monitoring, medication and trigger I pray that it works out.

More House Photos

I've been really bad about taking pictures of the house, but it is really coming together! I realized that many of you probably haven't seen the outside of the house so here it is:

Also, here is the entryway with the dining room to the left, and living room/office combination to the right. The family room is straight ahead, but not quite finished yet, so this is the only photo of that room for now.

Here is the dining room:

Living Room/Office Combination:

Eating Area and Kitchen:

My Craft Room behind the kitchen:

And the Powder Room downstairs:

The one thing that I am sure you can tell from the photos is that they painted the whole house the same color. It is a neutral tan/yellow but it is flat paint so it is impossible to clean. Slowly we are going to paint the house, but it isn't on the immidiate to-do list.

Worst Week

This week has been so hard on me. I am not sleeping well, surrounded by poor company, uncomfortable and itchy, and am questioning WTF I am doing.

I am not sleeping. Mr.A was also out of town this week, so I brought our fur-baby along with me this week to my company’s headquarters. The only pet-friendly hotel within a 50 mile radius of the office is a shady Holiday Inn Express, which likely has hourly rates in addition to nightly. At first it wasn’t so bad. Yes, I am used to being surrounded by likeminded business travelers, but this place has a nice courtyard perfect for my pup. The first night was awful. Pup is extremely vigilant and not used to noises, so she was up grumbling and growling at least twice an hour. In addition to not sleeping, work has been tiring and stressful, so it is difficult for me to spend quality time exercising with her when all I want to do is sleep.

Last night was a little better, she probably only woke me up a handful of times. However, this morning I realized that we weren’t the only ones sleeping in our hotel room over the night (see point #2 below).

I am surrounded by poor company. In addition to the Holiday Inn Express patrons, I am surrounded by cockroaches. No kidding. I found one the size of my hand this morning in my room (not really, but UGH!). Mr.A would be so proud that I took care of the rat sized roach all by myself; but what choice did I have? I want so badly to leave, but there isn’t anywhere else for me to go.

I am uncomfortable and itchy. The poison came back. Before my trip last week, I ran to Urgent Care for another steroid injection and another round of Prednisone pills. I am washing with Zanfel, using steroid cream, taking the pills and it has not gone away. I am so uncomfortable because somehow the worst of it is on my inner thighs (no clue why), and is accompanied by broken blood vessels and bruises from my constant scratching.

The icing on the cake is the fact that I cannot stand being at my company’s headquarters. After the move, I have had to be extremely careful not to let anyone on to the fact that I sometimes work from home. It wouldn’t matter to anyone that I travel 95% of the time; just the 5% that is unaccounted for. While I am here, people question me and I am scared to death that I am going to get my bosses in trouble. They have done their best to work with me these last few weeks while I have gotten settled and I would hate to see their acts of good will kill their careers.

After I was questioned today, I nearly broke down. I left for lunch to go let my fur-baby out and took some time to look inward. I should be getting ready to take maternity leave and if I were, none of this would be an issue. I would be leaving work on the highest of high notes, having been through my pregnancy with phenomenal insurance, and would have 6-8 weeks paid maternity leave to look forward to. Since we sold the house (yeah, I forgot to mention that we closed on Monday), we would have no issues living on just Mr.A’s salary and I would be a happy SAHM.

But, none of that is going to happen. So I am at a crossroad. Should I stay in a job that makes me happy, but could come crashing in around me at any given moment? Should I risk the careers of those who have helped build me into the professional that I am today? Or should I leave on a high note, praying that  I will find something that would make me happy and not force me to decide between my marriage, my pup, my sanity, and my sleep.  I really don’t know, maybe that is why I feel smothered and stuck.

I thought I was ready....

I actually considered re-activating FB this week. Until I deactivated it, I didn't realize how much time I wasted on FB, even intermidently, and how much it depressed me. Since I dropped it, I have been so much more productive in my own life, making real connections, building real friendships, getting real things done around the house.

But, I really miss keeping up with some of my extended family and all of my close friends we left behind. I had planned on sending out "We've Moved" postcards but the lead time for making them is a few weeks, so I just keep putting it off. I know it would be a million times easier (not to mention cheaper) if I were to just send our new address out via FB. I just don't think I am ready...yet.