Overwhelmed and Heartbroken

After my OB's office called to tell me that my numbers had started to drop, they wanted me to follow up with the OB on Thursday. Mr.A had taken off so much work recently, that he couldn't go. I worked from home that day to allow myself some flexibility for the appointment.

I arrived a few minutes before my appointment and was not asked to wait even one minute; they called me right back. The OB brought me into the same room where I had come for every heartbreaking appointment. She did a third internal ultrasound which showed that the baby was getting smaller, but that my body was continuing to develop the yolk sac. It was still very high in my uterus and my cervix was tightly closed. She estimated that it could be weeks before my body started to miscarry on its own since there was no sign of progress. She discussed a D&C with me; which earlier in the week I was completely against. She let me know that emotionally and mentally it was the easier way to go; having had two miscarriages of her own.

I sobbed and agreed to the D&C. She scheduled me for that evening. Thursday was the hardest day for me and Mr.A; we knew without a doubt that our baby was gone. I called him to let him know that I needed to be at the hospital at 4 and that my mom had decided to come for the weekend for emotional support and to help around the house. Mr.A came home early to be with me before the surgery.

We arrived at the hospital at 4 and I began all of the in processing paperwork and waivers. We were moved to the waiting room for surgery where a nurse immediately came and got me to prepare me. I went back in the prep area alone. At one point I had 4 nurses and 2 doctors around me. One taking blood, one giving me and IV (Apparently I have sucky veins and I have three bruised areas to prove it), one taking my blood pressure, temperature etc, one asking about allergies and medical history, one giving me the run-down of what to expect from the anesthesia and lastly my OB telling me what to expect afterwards. I was so overwhelmed from everything, so scared I was making the wrong choice, so devastated of what I was going through that I just sobbed uncontrollably. Finally, Mr.A and my mom were able to come back and see me; but only after they had given me (what the anesthesiologist referred to as) an Anesthesia Margarita. I was calming down, but still was very upset. They hugged me and kissed me and then I was being moved to the operating room.

The next thing I remember a nice young nurse was wheeling me into the recovery room. She gave me what I affectionately refer to a "rabbit poop ice" that tasted so good after being ordered not to eat or drink anything for at least 6 hours prior to the surgery. I think she thought I was still a little loopy since I called it that, but no matter my state of mind; it is always rabbit poop ice. They had given me pitocin in my IV at some point during the surgery which was making me cramp and contract afterwards, so she gave me some medicine to help with the pain. After about 30 minutes, she wheeled me to another recovery area where Mr.A and my mom could stay with me. I ate some Graham crackers, more rabbit poop ice and water.

My mom left Mr.A and I alone for a few minutes; when we just hugged and sobbed. This is officially the worst thing we have ever gone through together. We know that things will get better, we know things will get easier, and we know that we will eventually be able to get pregnant again; but we are hurting, we are devastated, and we truly  feel as though we lost a member of our family. No matter how early, no matter how small our baby was; it is our baby. It's now our angel baby.