A successful Memorial Day Weekend

The weekend is over, and the work week begins in less than 12 hours. In an attempt to save money, I flew about 2.5 hours from my home, to my parents' city and am riding back home with my brother now. I saved around $200 on the flight, but I won't be home until around 11 tonight; tradeoffs I guess.

The weekend was very nice, albeit busy. We went to a baseball game, but only stayed around 4 or 5 innings. Went to Ikea to look at some practical and functional things as well as pretty things. I even managed to cook a nice meal with my limited supplies; salmon, asparagus and rice on Sunday night.

Mr.A loved the house, loved the location, and loved the proximity to, well pretty much everything. The house had been vacant for months, so of course there were little things here and there that needed fixed. The leaky toilets and bath tub faucet were no match for him (with a phone consult from my dad), and were cheap fixes that our general contractor wanted $$$$ for. In addition he changed the locks, fixed the broken screen door, dewinterized the plumbing, lit the pilot light on the water heater, fixed the garage door, fixed the part on his truck that I broke (oops), as well as hanging several curtain rods in the house for me.

I bought some beautiful curtains for the family room's wall of windows, and the dining room. The windows are all HUGE, so I had to buy 95" curtains to nearly touch the floor. I got a killer deal on 95" damask eco-conscious blackout curtains in sage green and a burgundy red at Lowes for $6.99 per panel. That is a STEAL! Also, I love the colors and pattern so much so, that I bought an extra panel to make throw pillows out of.

Overall, the weekend was a nice getaway, where we were able to accomplish a lot with the house in a limited amount of time. I am excited to finish up in our current home (and drop the price so we can get it sold) and move on to bigger and better things.

Freaking Out

I am freaking out! I am laying on an air mattress in my new empty, lonely house wondering if I have made the right decision. Should we have bought ANOTHER house in this terrible market without selling our others? Simple answer, no. But we did. I signed the papers today. It's mine.

I never had "buyers remorse" the last time, was this really THAT BAD of a decision? God, I hope not. I guess we will see how everything turns out, I truly believe that everything will be alright in the end. Therefore if things aren't alright, it is not the end.

IF Update

Lucky cycle # 18 is a bust. I took the 50mg of Clomid with minimal side effects in the evenings of CD 4-8. I went in Monday (CD11) for my follicular scan and to get my blood work results. To show my commitment (read: workaholism) to my job, as I waited on the exam table for Dr.K, I took a 30 minute teleconference from my cell phone. Lucky for me, she had an emergency C-section so was running a little behind.

Dr.K comes in, sees the –OPK and begins the ultrasound. My right ovary had the largest follicle at a 26mm on CD11 with a low LH level indicating that I would not be O’ing in the next 48 hours. Normally, she would have given me a trigger shot to force ovulation, but since there is no chance of getting pregnant this cycle (read: no husband), I decided against it and the $$ bill that would  come with it.

My blood work came back from May 13th. Thankfully my hormone levels did not reflect PCOS and I was negative for HIV and Lupus. However, I did test positive for the C677T heterozygous mutation; Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR). Yes, I realize that it is a horrible acronym and looks very similar to Mother F*er.

On Monday after asking Dr. Google about MTHFR, I was so down and depressed. The mutation has been linked to recurrent miscarriages, late term losses, neural and tubal defects and Down’s syndrome. However, after researching further I have found that the heterozygous mutation is the most common, and least dangerous to the mother and baby. My best course of action at this point is to take around 1000% of the recommended daily dosage of Folic Acid, and a baby aspirin everyday.

Lastly, Dr.K wants to go ahead with the laparoscopy to diagnose Endometriosis. Right now, I am scheduled for June 3^rd.

After leaving the appointment, I realized how much I hate that Mr.A is gone right now. The last few months have been difficult, but the roller coaster of TTC has been flat and uneventful. Now that I was given a glimmer of hope I can feel the descent downward as everything falls apart. I am scheduled for this surgery with no one around to take me or be with me, I am trying desperately to get everything together for the impending move, keeping the house together, preparing to close on the new house tomorrow; it is a lot for one person. Thankfully, Eve has offered to take me to the hospital, stay with me and bring me home afterwards. With everything that she has going on in her life, she always makes time for others.

Mr.A always tells me how proud he is of how well I have handled everything in his absence; a weaker person would have surly crumbled. I am not convinced that I am strong, but pray that this weight will soon be lifted, I can’t hold this all on my shoulders much longer….

Yesterday was a wierd day. I was asked if I was pregnant by two strangers within about an hour span.

I went to David's bridal to be fitted for and order my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding. This alone brought up a lot of suppressed emotions. I was supposed to be 40weeks pregnant at my brother's wedding, going into labor while trying to walk down the aisle (not really!), which scared me enough to give his fiance time to find a replacement for me. Obviously (to me anyway) I am not pregnant, so I am back in the wedding party.

Well, I go into DB and am paired with a friendly associate. She gathers a couple of sizes of the dress and I try them on. One fit perfectly. The waist is quasi-empire, but *just in case* I miraculously become pregnant before then, I wanted to order a size up. The associate looked at me like I had 3 heads and loudly said, "Are you pregnant!?". I simply said no, but that I wanted one size up.

I left there feeling sick to my stomach. I thought all of these feelings would go away with time, but every milestone I am missing, every date celebration just remind me that I am a childless mother; it makes me more sad than I could ever admit in real life.

My open house was winding down and I wanted to catch the realtor before she left so I left DB feeling down, and headed home. I walked in, had a little small talk, some feedback and then a blatant, "Are you pregnant?". WHAT!? Where did that even come from? I have lost weight and am down to my college weight. I knew it wasn't that. Then she leads me into the office and tells me that when there was a lull in the open house, she was looking through my bookshelf and saw my 6+ pregnancy books. I took a deep breath, and slowly said, "No. I was, but lost the baby." I shouldn't have to explain myself, in my own home, after a crappy, dreary day.

So yeah, yesterday was a wierd day that brought up a lot of emotions I have tried suppressing.

One day at a time.

#18

After a few months off, it is officially the begining of a new cycle - #18 - with a dash of hope and a little science. I went to Dr.K's on Friday to get my baseline bloodwork drawn. The phlebotoist always does a great job and was able to draw blood into 11 vials without even as much as a wince out of me. They are testing my hormone levels, testing for various conditions that can cause IF, and taking platelet counts.

I will be starting 50mg of Clomid this cycle with monitoring to see how my body responds. I will then have additional blood drawn at 7DPO to check my hormone levels at that point. I am praying that if nothing else comes if this cycle that Dr.K will figure out what is wrong with my body so I can have a chance of getting pregnant even when I move.

The staff at Dr.K's.office are like a family to me. I really hate to leave here and have to start over. It is actually kind of sad to think that the two receptionists know my voice when I call and usually have answers to my questions before I ask. I have been in that office 10+ times in the last 5 months; going from elated, to hopeful, to heartbroken, to optimistic, to sad. Sad now mostly because I know I won't find a new doctor that cares about her patients as much as Dr.K, and a staff that always knows the right thing to say. I truly believe that Dr.K will do everything in her power to get me (and keep me) pregnant, but I doubt I will be around here long enough to find out.

Here's to my favorite number and the hope that the future has wonderful things just waiting to happen.

Mother's Day Weekend

I have been dreading Mother's Day for the last month. The constant facebook status updates highlighting how unselfish women are who are mothers, the "Happy Mother's Day" for all of the beautiful plumply pregnant mothers-to-be, the reminder that I should be 23 weeks pregnant today; none of it was going to be easy.

In addition, I planned for my mother, aunt, cousin and her two little girls to come for the weekend. Originally, the intent was to spend girl time together and to pack up some of the odds and ends around my house as I prepare for my open house and eventual move.

My family is notorious for being late to everything. In fact, so much so that I  made my parent's wedding invitation to say that everything started an hour before the actual ceremony to make sure they were on time. Today, they had planned to be at my house around 10 Saturday morning; they didn't show up until after 3:30. We spent the evening catching up, playing games, drinking wine and enjoying each other's company.

I was saddened by the fact that we didn't accomplish even one box of packing, but enjoyed the weekend nonetheless. However, it was difficult catering to my guests, cleaning up after them, following the girls around the house to turn off the lights and doing all of the cooking.

I didn't sleep hardly at all last night; which made for a grumpy me today on the dreaded Mother's Day. This morning, I got up early (again, I wasn't sleeping anyways), cooked breakfast for everyone, and gave mom her card and gift.

All weekend, I had hoped that someone, anyone, would acknowledge that it was Mother's Day for me today too. I might not have my baby safely inside my womb, I might not have my child in my arms, but I do have him in my heart. One person wished me a Happy Mother's Day today, and it made me cry. I was so touched that you recognized me as a mother, even when those closest to me had not. Thank You, from the bottom of my heart.

Busy, but good.

I’ve really been looking forward to getting home the last few weeks. Yesterday was filled with several bouts of good news, but the house is a disaster and until I have more than a couple of hours to motivate me, it is going to stay that way.

Yesterday our closing date was extended. Originally we were set to close on the new house tomorrow, which would be about 45 days since I put in the original offer. There have been a few minor snags throughout the process including necessary repairs, a lot of back and forth paperwork, more negotiations, and just the mortgage application process in general. The selling bank is now allowing closing to occur on or before May 19^th without penalty which is phenomenal. That means that we will have approximately 2 more weeks before incurring the costs with yet another house and 2 more weeks to try to sell the other places.

This weekend is going to be such a good time. My mother, aunt, cousin and cousin’s two little girls (ages 4 and 9) are all coming down for a girl’s weekend. I have been able to get a ton of boxes over the last month so we will enjoy wine and each other’s company while packing up. I am excited to spend time with everyone before I leave and am so thankful that they are willing to help me at the house.

I set up an open house for our current home since we have only had two showings over the last month. I understand that the market is slow and saturated, but being that I am buying yet another house, we really need some foot traffic. I am asking the realtors to create flyers that buyers could take with them as well as offering some type of incentive. I was thinking about maybe offering $500 or $1,000 towards closing costs, but am not sure.

Lastly, a friend of Mr.A’s has decided to rent our condo for the time being. This is so beneficial to both of us because we will be able keep it on the market while he is living there and charge him significantly less than past tenants. This way, we will have some of the costs covered but can continue to try to sell it and he will have a place to live that is nice, close to his work and is considerably cheaper than any other apartments around. It is a win win.

Well that is most of what I have going on currently. I hope all is well in your lives.

This past week has been very trying. However, what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger; right? I traveled this week. Not only did the "6 hour flight" take 22 hours on Monday, but then I spent the week on west coast time which really messed with my biorhythm. Knowing last week was the last of my traveling streak made it a little easier to handle, but the travel surely contributed to my already elevated stress level. I have been so anxious thinking about all of the major life changes that are upon me. Nevertheless, I somehow continue to function. Going forward, I hope that my travels can be planned further in advance with at least short breaks in between.

Oh how I need a break from everything. For the last three weeks I have been in every time zone at least once, slept in my own bed once, and spent more than 15 hours in airports delayed.

You may think I do it to myself, and a part of me agrees with you. Once upon a time, my job description stated that travel would only encompass 10% of my job. Unfortunately for me, I have taken on challenges and exceeded my own expectations, as well as my company’s, so I take on more and more responsibility and travel every day.