Imagine…

Imagine getting the two things you have prayed for nightly for what seems like an eternity. Wouldn’t that be the most amazing feeling? Now imagine that the two things you have wanted most from life could possibly interfere with one another.  Does it make one or the other any less appealing?

They say, be careful what you wish for. Even if I had anticipated this, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I just know that the next year isn’t going to be a walk in the park.

First, as you know my due date is two days after my brother’s wedding. This is already causing tension because I know that physically I cannot be in the wedding. It will be difficult for me to even attend the wedding, but buying the teacup bridesmaid dress that will somehow fit at 40 weeks pregnant (or post partum) and be at least somewhat flattering; no way. My brother and my mom want me to “just wait and see”.  I know even if I have to make the decision the day before the wedding, I am not going to be in the wedding.

Secondly, Mr.A was offered his DREAM job. This was always in my prayers along with getting pregnant. The downside(s) to this is that we have to move (for the 4^th time in 3 years), sell our two properties, buy or rent in the new location 8 hours further away from our families, and I won’t be able to keep my stellar job. All of which will happen right at my due date.

It seems like a lot, and it is; but I know that it will be worth it. Every move we have made has been difficult, but it has allowed us to grow as individuals, within our careers and together.  I am so proud of Mr.A for finally achieving his dream and will not allow his dreams to be dashed for a feeling of comfort.

Exhaustion

I’ve read three pregnancy books already; my favorite of which is an outdated, completely non-scientific book called “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy: Everything Your Doctor Won’t Tell You”. The others have been very detailed, almost to the point of making me even more paranoid, and have been hard to get into. The “Girlfriend’s Guide” is nice because it takes into account various women’s (and their husbands) point of view. It doesn’t give you stats on the likeliness of you experiencing the same thing, but informs you of the possibilities just in case.

Her chapter on the first trimester focuses a lot on the “bone deep” exhaustion. Before now, I have thought that I knew what exhausted really felt like; I was wrong. Her description of “bone deep” is more accurate than I could have imagined even two weeks ago. I know that my body is working hard - giving its water and nutrients to my growing embryo - it’s just becoming more and more difficult to function my entire 10 hour work day.

In addition to just being tired, I have given up caffeine (well mostly). I had planned on giving up my beloved Diet Coke as a new year’s resolution; then I found out I was pregnant. I have done very well with not drinking any Diet Coke; but earlier this week I gave in to a Vanilla Coke. I was only able to drink maybe a quarter of it before I started to feel queasy and guilty. I know that there is a threshold around 200mg a day of caffeine that is safe for pregnancy; but I will continue to avoid it whenever I possibly can.

The worst part about my non-caffeinated, bone-deep exhaustion is that sleep never seems to help. I will rest, relax, sleep-in, nap, and go to bed early throughout the entire weekend; and I am still tired. During the week, I will be in bed before 8:30pm and the mornings seem to come earlier every day.  I truly hope the second trimester is as great as everyone seems to make it sound. I am very much looking forward getting rid of my exhaustion, occasional nausea, and constant fear of miscarriage.

Snow Day?

Over the weekend, we probably had an entire accumulation of about 3 inches of snow. The roads have been cleared, and are normal, albeit, wet. This morning, I woke up to a 1/2 inch dusting of snow. Being that my commute is about an hour; the snow accumulation is often worse where I live, than where I work. This morning was no different. While I traveled on the highway, the roads went from a little snowy and wet, to just wet. When I arrived at work, I spoke with a particularly irksome co-worker who told me that the schools local to my work area were closed as were the schools where I live. Then he  proceeded to say, "I don't know why we weren't closed, the roads are pretty bad." I simply said, "You're a pansy" and walked away.


Seriously! The place I work at has been closed twice in the last three years. Once for a particularly crippling ice-storm that knocked out power for nearly a week and the second for a snowy/icy mixture where we had about an inch of pure ice covered with a couple of inches of snow. The second event; I didn't get the memo that we were even closed. I called before beginning my (2 hour with the conditions) commute and was told we were on a two hour delay. Why would I call again during my 2 hour commute?! Well, next time I will.


I guess that thing that bothers me the most, is this co-irker is always looking for a free ride. In the year an a half I have worked with him, I have had to put in more time (and I am salaried; so no OT) and effort into cleaning up his messes, and catching up where he has faltered. So yes, he is a pansy; I won't take it back.

Resolution!

I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to get pregnant, that I never allowed myself to really think about being pregnant. This time a month ago, I couldn’t have even imagined how I would react to a + pregnancy test. I wouldn’t allow myself to do anymore than walk through the baby aisles of department stores and dote. I never really bought anything; even when it was a steal of a deal. All I ever really knew about being pregnant was what I had read, heard from friends and from thenest. Now, it is all consuming; just as TTC was. I am finding that I really do like to dive, head first, into each new venture.

So here’s to working, at least half of the time I should be [rather than “bumping” and nesting], and concentrating on the other aspects of my life; while I can.

My Equilibrium is Shot!

I’ve noticed over the last few days that my balance, coordination and overall equilibrium are off. I can be sitting completely still on the couch and will feel my body start to sway; nearly to the point where I feel motion sick. It’s odd, but looking up towards the ceiling is the only thing that seems to bring me back to normal. I traveled last week for work; the plane was probably my worst bout of motion sickness yet. I came so close to getting sick, then gave in and took a Dramamine. I started to feel a little better towards the end of the flight, but traveling is not what it used to be.

Riding in the car is yet another feat. My husband is a good driver by most standards, but riding or heck, even driving myself I start to get motion sick. Yesterday, I took the advice of several of the September Moms-to-Be and invested in a pack of Sea Bands. They are these little grey cloth bracelets with a white plastic bead that hits your “acupressure points” on each wrist to help combat motion sickness, nausea and morning sickness. Let me tell you, these little buggers are TIGHT and I consider myself to have pretty small wrists. I wore them throughout the day yesterday and felt generally good. Last night, I placed them in my purse in case of emergency.

This morning, I should have been wearing my Sea Bands when I stopped at the gas station before going in to work. Again, I started having one of my dizzy/off-balance moments, then tripped over the cord for the gas pump and fell flat on my face. Good one. It was one of the weirdest feelings; everything happened in slow motion as I fell first to my knees, then to my hands in front of me, then finally my chin. Lucky for me, the concrete was covered in a thin layer of fresh mud to help break my fall. So now I am sitting here, angry with myself over falling and putting my little sweet-pea sized embryo in harm’s way; already.  At least I am wearing brown pants today.

“I’d rather have a pretty, fat girl”

Mr.A and I traveled to visit my family this weekend to celebrate “Christmas” since we were away for the real thing. To announce our news, we bought my dad a sweatshirt and had it embroidered with a 2inch ‘G’ and arched around it said, “World’s Greatest Grandpa” on the left chest.  

We got there late on Thursday and spent the day Friday with my parents. My brother couldn’t be home until around 6 on Friday, so we had to wait nearly a whole day to spill the beans. Finally once he got there, I couldn’t hold in my secret any longer. I got everyone to gather in the living room and gave my dad a nice red box with a satin bow to open. He took the shirt out of the box and just read the embroidery to himself at least a couple of times before I said, “Read it out loud”. My mom stood up with tears running down her face. She asked, “Really?!, Really!?” then, “Have you been lying to me about the infertility testing?” I explained to her that it had just somehow happened. We had intended to start Clomid in the next couple of months; but were very fortunate that we didn’t need to go for the S/A or begin taking Clomid.

Then was the true test; how was my brother going to feel about me being due so close to his wedding. Well first, he was thrilled about becoming an uncle. His fiancé was on the phone within minutes she too was thrilled. I told him that the thought of trying to fit into a dress while 40 weeks pregnant, or having just had a baby terrified me and that I hoped they wouldn’t be upset if I was not in the wedding party.  His FI suggested another friend to take my place and my brother blurted out, “I’d rather have a pretty, fat girl than her.” So, as it is today, he is still trying to convince me that I should stay in the wedding party. I guess only time will truly tell.

I am 5 weeks today, taking it day by day, week by week.

Holy Beta #2!!

The nurse from the OBs office today. My bloodwork came back; at 16DPO my hCG went to 268! So it more than tripled in 48 hours. I am going to rest a little easier until my appointment in 4 weeks. Just wanted to share the good news!

Feeling a little Different..

Does this overwhelming fear of losing this baby ever go away?! I went to the OB on Monday for my first blood draw. My hCG level was 85 at 14DPO. According to www.betabase.com this is close to the median (101), but I am worried that it is low. I went back for a second draw today, and I hope that they will call early tomorrow with the results; the wait just kills my nerves.


They scheduled my first ultrasound (u/s) and OB appointment for February 3^rd when I will be right around 8 weeks. That is 4 weeks from tomorrow which in my mind might as well be an eternity. I am so thankful to be where I am right now; I am just so hopeful and fearful at the same time.


I “feel” at least a little pregnant.

·         My (.)(.)s are sore, actually they are worse today than they have been. [Confession to follow] I usually wear push-up bras all the time, but they are too painful right now so I have reverted back to my more comfy bras.

·         My back is really sore. I don’t know if this is a pregnancy symptom or if I pulled it, but it hurts.

·         I feel some weird twinges in my lower abdomen, sometimes a little crampy, sometimes a little painful (when accompanied by gas) but for the most part just there.

·         I am generally warm. This is only odd because I am always cold. I used to wear my winter jacket throughout the day at work and sometimes would even resort to a blanket. Now, I am comfortable or even warm. They haven’t changed the building temperature, so I think its related.

·         I am constantly thirsty. I am drinking at least 5-6 16oz cups of water and sometimes additional fruit juice throughout the day; and I am still parched.

·          I am always hungry, for reference I will tell you my meals/snacks for today: 6am – fruit and yogurt smoothie; 7:30am – English Muffin with egg white, cheese and turkey sausage; 8am – Clementine orange; 9am – Granola bar; 11am – PB&J sandwich; 1:30pm – green pepper casserole leftovers from last night; 2pm – Clementine orange; 3pm – black berries; 4pm – triscuits and hummus. It’s 4:07pm now and all I can think about is what I am going to eat next. Should I have some homemade cookies? ::goes off to find more food::

Apprehensive..

I know this is my second post of the day, but my mind is going 100MPH and it helps me so much to write things on here.

We haven’t told my parents or brother about the big news yet; and I am a little apprehensive. My big brother; my best friend in life is getting married on 9/10/11, I am in his wedding, and I am due 9/12/11. He knows we have been struggling but I don’t want to “steal his thunder” right around his big day. But also, I cannot imagine traveling 3 hours away, waddling down the aisle and standing for an hour ceremony at 40 weeks pregnant. I know if I am fortunate to be pregnant with my forever baby, EDDs can change and are just that, estimates. We purposely avoided beginning treatment this past cycle so that it would not coincide with his wedding, but there is a thing about God’s plan; it doesn’t always happen like you think it would/should.

For today, even though I am apprehensive about telling my brother, and terrified about harming or losing this little ball of cells, I am still beyond elated.

One Year Ago

Exactly one year ago, I got to spend quality time with my Grandmother for the last time. Mr.A and I went to her new apartment at an assisted living facility to pick her up. She was glowing. My cousins had bought her a brand new red shirt for Christmas and she looked fantastic. We went out to dinner and then stopped to get her some basics from the grocery. I will never forget the last time I got to hug her and tell her that I loved her before parting ways that night.

In November my family unanimously decided to move her to assisted living. It was so difficult on her, she was losing everything she had ever known all because of a mini-stroke that had caused her to wreck (and misplace) her car. She had been pushing Mr.A and I to begin our family for months at this point and we had just began trying. I confided in her that we were trying to bring her just a little joy to help overcome the sadness of the move.

On January 4^th, she had a debilitating stroke that paralyzed the right side of her body. In the days to follow, I remained by her side in the hospital and hospice just telling her how much she has always meant to me and that it was alright for her to let go.

 On January 6^th, the most miraculous thing happened. She awoke from her sedated state at Hospice. Although the second stroke had paralyzed her left side as well, she opened her eyes, sat up in bed, moved both arms, tried to remove her oxygen and tried to speak. It was the first time in two days that I could see her through her eyes. I stayed with her until her body finally let go on Thursday, January 7^th 2010.

It is only appropriate to me that we first found out we were pregnant on January 1^st, exactly one year after I had seen my Grandmother and best friend for the last time since this is something she wanted as badly as we did. I love you Grandma.

I believe in God's Plan

It finally happened; I am pregnant!! Last night I was craving some bubbly so on a whim I tested (at 11DPO in the afternoon) just to put my conscience to rest; and lo and behold there was a shadow of a second line nearly instantly. I ran to the stairway and yelled to my husband. He stood at the bottom of the stairs; I couldn't even speak. I started crying, and could hardly get the words out that I thought there was a second line. He came up to me and hugged me asking, "that is good right?", clearly confused by my crying. All I could do was nod through the sobs. We went to the restroom and both just stared at the test with the slightest hint of a line. He agreed, he saw it but we decided we wouldn't let ourselves get too excited until we tested in the morning.


5am came very early after all of the NYE fireworks late into the night. I woke up and had to pee so badly. I knew if I peed without testing that it would no longer be FMU, and I knew if I got up and tested I would never go back to sleep. So I laid there, tossing and turning until finally 6am rolled around. I got up, PIAC and dipped my internet cheapie, then went back to my husband's side as we waited the 1-3 minutes. I looked and the line was slightly darker than the day before, but still very faint.


Mrs. FancyCats had mailed me an extra digital test months ago that I had been saving for just this very moment. I considered waiting until tomorrow or the next day, knowing that digitals sometimes cannot pick up the very faint levels before a missed period. However, I gave in. I dipped the digital, then waited by Mr.A's side for the hour glass to stop blinking. I told him at least 3 times that if it said, "not pregnant" it was ok because it was still so early. Honestly, with month after month of BFNs, I was half expecting it to say "not pregnant". But, it said pregnant!


We went out to breakfast and then came back to nap for a couple of hours and enjoy our wonderful New Year's Day together in our own little bliss-bubble. Knowing that miscarriages happen in roughly 1 in 4 pregnancies, I should be more cautiously optimistic, but I know that today I am pregnant and that is all that matters in my mind.