2011 - A Recap

The holidays are hitting me hard this year. We have so much to be thankful for, yet I find myself envious of nearly everyone around me.  Many of the women who I began this journey with 2.5 years ago are pregnant with their second child. But, the world moves on, with or without me, so I suck it up. It is all I can do. I try to keep my mind occupied with decorating, renovating and most recently planning our New Years Eve Party. However, I seem to forget that we are hours and hours away from our families and friends, and they've got their own commitments.


This just reminds me that every now and again, I need to make a list of everything we have to be thankful for to remind myself that life really is good.


This year, we may have even more to be thankful for. Of course our love for one another, health, our jobs, our families and friends.  I am beginning a new job that I think will be amazing, a short commute and has stupendous benefits including IF coverage. Mr. A landed his dream of all dream jobs. We were able to sell our first house when we moved and purchased a beautiful home and have been able to customize it to our liking. My brother getting married. Mr.As tests all coming back normal.


However, there are the no-so-positives of 2011 to also remember. The loss of two pregnancies. Bearing the load of selling our house and condo, while buying our new house, packing to move all while traveling at nearly 100% for work while Mr.A was away. Moving, again. Not being able to sell the condo then having to replace the water heater, flooring damaged when the water heater went out, and drop the list price to where we will take a considerable loss if we can sell. Knowing that since Mr.A's tests were normal that all the issues with IF lie with me....


All in all, it was most certainly a challenging year. In addition to the normal ups and downs everyone deals with, we've also had to learn to live and deal with IF and pregnancy loss. This is officially our third Christmas since beginning our TTC journey and yet we are still without children that we can hold in our arms. It is troubling. I never thought it would take this long. I never thought it would be this hard. So many people take parenthood for granted, yet to me I fear that I will only ever know my children in my heart.

Staying Strong

I cannot believe the measures my current company was willing to go to in an attempt to keep me. In the past week, I underwent negotiations between current and future employers. In an attempt to keep everyone happy, I gave 6 weeks notice to my current employer and plan to finalize all projects I am currently working and coordinate our upcoming activities. They desperately wanted me to stay a week longer, but through talking with Mr.A, I realized that there has to be a point where I am willing to switch allegiances. I decided a cut is a cleaner wound than a tear, and put my foot down.

When I gave my official notice to my employer, they offered me a bonus equivalent to nearly 15% of my current salary to stay until April. I declined. They then offered to also increase my salary by 30% (!!!!!).  Again, I declined. You may think I am crazy. I might be, however, to me, my life is priceless and this new job will enable me to have it back.  

::Cheers:: to moving forward with my career and life without sacrificing my family.

I got the job!!!

This news couldn't have come at better time yesterday! I had been sitting in an airport delayed from 12 noon until 7 pm. I had been traveling since 5 yesterday morning and wouldn't arrive into my destination until nearly midnight. I received the call from my new boss and gave my verbal notice to my current employer. Sadly, we will have to postpone further treatment cycles until March/April to qualify for their incredibly generous maternity leave package, but I think in the end it will be well worth the wait.

Nona Lisa

Emotions ran high this weekend. On Friday, Mr.A and I drove the 7 hours to our friends' wedding. Originally, the wedding was to take place in a church with the reception immediately following. The groom called as we were about an hour away to let us know that there had been a major change in plans. The bride's mother was very ill and doing very poorly. They changed the wedding location to the hospital chapel to ensure her mom would be able to be a part of their special day. The wedding was so bittersweet. It was such an incredible gesture for them; they had to cut the list from 200 to 25, but it goes to show how important their families are to them.

After the wedding, we picked up our nephew and drove another 3.5 hours to my mother-in-law's home. We adore our nephew and don't have many chances to see him. He is always such a good kid and is as genuinely excited to see us as we are him.

My MIL recently moved to a farm near her parents. Their barn cat just recently had kittens and all 6 were such sweeties. In addition, her mother does foster care for the local humane societies and had one puppy who's mother died shortly after birth and was being bottle fed, and 12 other puppies younger than 7 weeks.

I fell in love with a 9 month old lab named Nona (they call her Nona Lisa). She and her mother were hit by a car when she was 12weeks old. Sadly her mom died and Nona had to have major surgery to reconstruct her hips. She still limps, but she is a normal puppy. She is so sweet and affectionate. I want so badly for her to find a wonderful home, and that home may just be mine.

We brought her back to my mother-in-law's house just to see how our dog would do with her. Our dog was upset, jealous; furious really, she wouldn't even look at me. Eventually we decided that it probably would be best to leave Nona with her rescuers when we left for home.

Today, I cannot stop thinking about her. She needs a permanent home, and our dog could use a companion. I've just about decided that if I get the non-traveling job, I am going to adopt Nona too.

InterviewS

Yes, that "s" needs capitalized. My interview was moved from Friday to Monday since my flight wouldn't get me in in time on Friday morning. Yesterday, I went knowing I would be meeting with a few individuals but did not anticipate meeting with four Directors and two Senior VPs. I began my interviews at 10am, and finished around 5; it was a loooonnnnnggggg azz day. By the end, my mind just couldn't process the questions being asked and my cheeks hurt from smiling.

I feel like it went pretty well, but wish I would have prepared myself with different scenarios of achievements, hurdles etc. I ended up using a lot of the same instances with each interviewer.

Please say a prayer if you can. I need this job to get my life and family back on track.

Blackout

We got [the majority of] our new appliances delivered this weekend and they are beautiful!! We had a bit of work to do to install everything, but it was completely worth it. The microwave is on back-order, but should be here before my mom comes next weekend.

Mr.A is as handy as they come; he installed the dishwasher without a hiccup. As I attempted to help him move the new range into place, the top moved quickly and my middle finger was sliced quite deep by some metal piece below. Mr.A ran upstairs to get his hand-dandy first aid kit as I stood there letting the blood pool in my hand. Eventually, I moved over the sink so as to not make a mess. I could hear him coming down the stairs and everything went white. I grabbed onto the sink and yelled to him that I thought I was going to pass out and needed to sit down. He came to my side and grabbed me just as I began to go down. Yep. I blacked out. Cold.

As I began to come to, all I could hear is him saying, "Breathe hun, breathe" but it was muffled and sounded very far away. I was a bit frustrated, thinking, "I am breathing".

According to him, I was only out a few seconds, but it felt like much longer. It was embarrassing, honestly. I don't know why I blacked out; I've never been squeamish about blood before and did not lose much at all. Now he jokes that he is afraid to leave me home alone with so many sharp objects and places I can hit my head.

Becoming a Mother

I once read this on a blog, today I feel the need to share.

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

~Author Unknown

New Job??

I can only pray it will come to fruition.

I've been interviewing with the corporate headquarters of a nationwide company for the last couple of weeks. Originally, I had applied for a manager position but through my interviews they felt as though my strengths would be better suited doing the project management/change management that comes with new system implementation. I couldn't agree more. I have another interview with the VP in a week and cannot wait!

The perks of this job may even outweigh my commitment and loyalty to my current position. For instance, a 7 minute or 3 mile commute, very limited travel, 100% paid medical maternity leave, flexible schedules/telecommuting, a great work life balance, the ability to meet local people and create friendships near where I live and above everything else, this would give me the ability to CHOOSE whether or not I want to stay home with our children full time.

They have so many other wonderful benefits and the more I think about it, the more I am drawn to this company. I pray it works out.

Long time....no post....

I have been trying to keep offline to try to stay sane. If you've been following along, yes, we lost the baby. My hcg levels never rose above 30 and my progesterone began to fall nearly immediately. I began progesterone supplements three times daily but it couldn't prevent the inevitable from happening. Even though it was "easier", this second loss has really made me question everything about myself.

About once a month, I have these very very down days where I loathe myself. After two years, I had begun to question whether or not IF was a sign that I shouldn't get pregnant. Now after two losses, I am wondering if this is a sign that I shouldn't be a mother....or maybe not right now. To add to my questioning continuing on this TTTC and multiple loss path, last week my boss asked me to take an incredible opportunity with my work. This opportunity would promote me into a long-term, permanent postion plus an immediate increase in salary + another increase in a year, as well as giving me formal management responsibilities. Professionally, it couldn't be a better opportunity, but personally I feel like taking this position would be equivalent to giving up with my dreams of a family.

If I were to take this position, I would have to commute 4 hours and get an apartment and only come home on the weekends. I would have to wait at least a year to pursue having a family, and would see my husband less than I do now, if that is even possible. On the plus side, taking this position would springboard me into nearly any position I could ever want and allow for me to transfer nearly anywhere in the country. If I put off all babymaking and family for a year, careerwise I could potentially be set for life.

Mr.A said that he would fully support any decision I would make, but I honestly don't know what to do. We are young, we don't have to start our family yet. When we got married and I committed myself to the transient lifestyle that is a military wife, I never thought I would have a career worth keeping. I always thought I would feel success when Mr.A achieved his dreams and when we had our family. Now, I am terrified that giving up this incredible opportunity and my current job to have a family might not be the right choice.

I HATE hate hate the unknown and I hate that the universe seems to be steering me down a certain path....help me.

Failure

I feel like such a failure

We were blessed with a surprise +HPT in the days before the beginning of my first treatment cycle. So, horay! My body has finally figured out how to get pregnant, after two years. Sadly, it has failed to understand the concept of staying pregnant. According to my bloodwork, I am losing this baby too.

So, the one thing most natural in life seems so unattainable making me a failure of a mother, a wife, a woman.

Met with the new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)

Yesterday, Mr.A and I went to meet with our new RE. I always get so nervous before appointments like this, where I feel as though the outcome of the appointment could determine the rest of our lives. First we met with a young medical student who went through my records from Dr.K, my bloodwork, loss, diagnosis of MTHFR etc. She was pretty knowledgeable and very personable. If she becomes a RE, she will do well. She left, then returned with Dr.S, a nationally recognized infertility specialist.

Dr.S went through Mr.A's medical history, and ordered him to get a S/A before we begin treatment in two short weeks. 

Dr.S was patient with me as I asked my one million and one questions. She was very knowledgeable on MTHFR and stated that my particular gene mutation is the one where having extra folate was critical. She also wanted to run some bloodwork to check my homocysteine levels which can rise if your folic acid intake is not enough. A pregnant mother with MTHFR and increased homocystein levels is much more likely to have a child with neural/tubal defects; which we are trying to avoid. In addition, Dr.S said that recent research has shown a correlation between a mother taking asprin prior to ovulation and infertility. After I was diagnosed with MTHFR, I was told to take one baby asprin daily to aid with conception. Dr.S asked that I only take it now after I have confirmed ovulation.

Next, we discussed my low progesterone levels when I was pregnant before. She told me that as soon as I get a +HPT, to begin progesterone immediately. Since I was on CD20, she ordered a blood draw to check progesterone. I had a voicemail this afternoon, she didn't leave results but asked me to return their call. By the time I listened to their voicemail they had already closed for the day.

Finally, we discussed our path forward and costs. Beginning next cycle, we will begin monitoring and introduce an HCG trigger shot to force ovulation. The trigger will only be around $75, but if the ultrasounds are not covered by my insurance (may or may not depending on how they are billed), they will be nearly $300 each. After trying this route for a few months, we will move onto IUIs will will be a little more expensive each cycle.

Overall, the appointment went really well and we are excited to move forward. We just hope that with our insane travel schedules, everything works out and I am able to get pregnant.

Back to the travel gring

Today, I flew home from warm and sunny Florida then immediately got on another plane for my work travel this week.

Florida was so nice. I love where we go, especially during off season. We had the entire place to ourselves including the beach, the ocean, the pool, and bayside dock. We had a kayak that we took out in the rough ocean waves just before the storm; that was exhilarating! We enjoyed the lovely local restaurants with fresh seafood and great atmospheres. We revisited the restaurant where Mr.A proposed nearly 5 years ago and enjoyed the key lime pie. I ended up with terrible burn lines since I switched swim suits a couple of times, but have added a little color to my otherwise nearly opaque skin.

This cycle I came to a realization. The only cycle that I ovulated normally on my own which resulted in my first pregnancy was during a brief period where I was active. So, this cycle I decided to try to increase my activity to see if there is a correlation. I jogged twice before leaving on vacation, did sit ups and pushups, as well as a little yoga. On vacation we rode bikes everywhere, played basketball, swam, kayaked and walked the beach every night at sunset. I am happy to report that my increased activity paid off; I ovulated on.my.own at CD14!  This also means that I am in yet another dreaded 2WW, but hopefully having a *chance* for a miracle will keep my spirits high enough to get me through.

Oh, the relief and fear that comes with a plan

Just before leaving for vacation, I had my first fertility testing/procedure, an HSG. I knew ahead of time that it would likely fall around when we were set to travel, but I wasn't willing to wait another month to begin testing and treatment. The HSG can be very simple or very painful. Mine ended being of the painful variety.

All in all, the procedure was only around 15 minutes long, but it was a very uncomfortable and emotional 15 minutes. First they insert a balloon catheter into your cervix. This causes pain, cramps and discomfort, but isn't unbearable. Then they slide you back onto the table with an x-Ray machine over top and a monitor to the side and begin pushing a dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes. I could really feel the pain and pressure initially as they cleared my tubes, but it dissipated quickly.

I was nearly in tears the entire time and cried near the end. Not only has my IF really sunk in, but the testing has begun and frankly every time I have been to the hospital in the last year it has always been bad news. When they cleared my tubes and gave me the thumbs up, it was the first positive news I have had in a long time.

Lastly, I have my first RE appointment this week on Friday. If this cycle is a bust, I will be moving on to monitoring and TI in October.

The dreaded Due Date

I am sorry it has been such a long while since I last posted. I’ve found myself in a rut after yet another hopeful and failed cycle. I’ve been fortunate to have traveled less frequently for work and more frequently for pleasure. My best friend, my brother, married his beautiful bride this past weekend. I was able to go home on Labor Day weekend to spend the week with my family.

I knew the week would be hard, I knew the wedding would be harder. You see, it was the weekend I had been looking forward to and dreading all.year.long; my expected due date. I had hoped and prayed that I would miraculously be pregnant to make it a little easier, but life isn’t always easy.

The night before the wedding, my brother had a party with all of his out of town guests. At one point, he was hidden away upstairs asking to talk to me. I sat in this room, as my brother told me that I was causing the most friction and push back giving him second thoughts about my feelings of the bride. She had done her best to include me on all events, brunches, spa days, and bachelorette parties while I had done my best to distance myself. In addition to being busy in my own life, I just couldn’t handle being a part of the wedding. After we lost the baby, my brother begged and pleaded for me to once again be a part of the wedding party; but my heart just wasn’t in it. Just like a pregnant friend, I was so happy for them, but jaded by the sadness I felt for me.

I cried as I sat with him. I apologized a thousand times for hurting him, and for making his bride feel as though I didn’t like her. This whole week is saturated with my feelings of loss, resentment and sadness. I should be 40 weeks pregnant or holding my baby boy in my arms; but I am (as always) a childless mother.

Mr.A made me promise to wait until Sunday the 11^th to test so that Saturday would truly be all about them. I agreed, but gave in to the pressure on Saturday morning. After having been the sober, responsible one all week carting my drunk family home from dinners, parties and gatherings; I was actually slightly relieved when I saw the stark white test. I needed to put my feelings aside and celebrate the happiness and love shared by my brother and his bride.

The wedding was beautiful. The sermons and songs were beautiful, but I still cried. I cried happy tears and sad. I cried because it was beautiful, they were beautiful, but also I cried because of the emptiness I feel in my heart and body.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the reception. I enjoyed my time with my best friends, closest family, brother and sister-in-law, and mostly Mr.A. We enjoyed the wine, took ridiculous photos in the photo booth, danced the night away and most of all, enjoyed each other’s company.

When I left, I felt a sense of closure and relief; I made it through. It wasn’t easy, but I made it.

New Doctor

I went to a new OB/GYN by the recommendation of Mr.A's friend, John. His wife had suffered three losses and IF, but had had three healthy babies (twins and a singleton) at this practice. I went with high hopes and high expectations.

My first impression was a great one. They had separate entrances and waiting rooms for OB versus GYN; how nice!! Meaning, I wouldn't have to fight back tears seeing the plumply pregnant moms-to-be comparing their stats and bumps with one another.

I was taken back, and did the normal weight and height. I have actually gained weight for the first time since being pregnant. I have been losing weight every time I have been weighed since February and was actually down 15-20 lbs the last time I was weighed. Now, I am finally at a weight where I feel comfortable!

The doctor came in and began going through the normal questions. I gave her my files from Dr.K which clearly stated my unexplained IF diagnosis, bloodwork, hormone levels, that she suspected Endometriosis and PCOS, my loss, MTHFR etc. The doctor had the nerve to tell me to have sex every-other day leading up to CD14, and to just relax. Are you F*ing kidding me!? Have you ever dealt with IF before? I've been trying for over two years and you think that relaxing is going to be the miracle to getting me pregnant?! I let her know that I ovulate late, and it has been shown through my follicular scans that my folicles are ready to O on CD14, but that my LH does not surge until CD17-20, over maturing my egg(s).

All she kept saying was, "But you were able to get pregnant". Yes, true. The only cycle that my body cooperated and O'd at CD14 was the only cycle in 2 YEARS where I was able to conceive a child, and I lost that child. She then went on to say that MTFHR (yes she had the acronym wrong), would not put me in a higher risk category even though Dr.K said differently. She was also not concerned about my low progesterone levels the last time I was pregnant. Lastly, she said that I would have to have three losses before they would do any type of beta testing, progesterone levels/supplements, early ultrasounds (before 18-20 weeks). I will tell you one thing, I will not go through two more losses without monitoring and doing everything possible to keep those babies.

Then I redirected the conversation back to IF. I kindly let her know that I had been putting off the additional IF testing until we had moved and were settled and that I would prefer to have the testing through the OBGYN office so my insurance would cover the diagnostic aspect of it, and I would cover the IF treatments through the RE's office. She fought me tooth and nail on going in for HSG testing. She stated that since I was able to get pregnant (saying this for the 10th time), I don't need an HSG. I let her know that the REs office will not allow for the IUI until a clear HSG and positive semen analysis are completed. Then she said something that about made me explode and go off the deep end; "IUIs are only  for patients with cervical mucus issues. And why would we order an S/A for your husband?". Wait, what?! First of all, you haven't even examined me. How do you know that I don't have issues with CM? And why wouldn't you order and S/A for my husband? Oh wait, I know; because I was able to get pregnant once, in two years of trying.

I left the appointment so disheartened. I feel like I know more about IF than a freaking doctor. Ugh.  Needless to say, I have another appointment this coming Friday with another OB/GYN that works very closely with my REs office; I pray it will go more smoothly.

Yet another failed cycle....

Yesterday, I cried at Starbucks. Twice. My flight here got in extremely early, so I went to Starbucks to get on my work email for 4 hours before my meeting. Apparently stay-at-home-moms with perfectly mannered kids congregate there. Crying might have been a bit of an over reaction, I just get so down on myself. As my due date approaches, seeing pregnant women, babies and young children gets harder and harder.


However, I am not taking a backseat to infertility any longer. Next Friday, I have my first appointment with my new OB/GYN to discuss IF, MTHFR, schedule testing, and move forward. Mr.A is convinced that since we were able to get pregnant once, we will be able to again, unassisted. Although that might be true, it has taken us two years and suffering one loss to get where we are now; no where. I am not waiting any longer. Pending how our testing comes out, I am hoping we can move forward with IUI #1 with a local RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) in early October. Our crazy work and travel schedules will make my monitoring and the actual IUI very difficult to pull off, and with the estimated out of pocket cost around $1000 after monitoring, medication and trigger I pray that it works out.

More House Photos

I've been really bad about taking pictures of the house, but it is really coming together! I realized that many of you probably haven't seen the outside of the house so here it is:

Also, here is the entryway with the dining room to the left, and living room/office combination to the right. The family room is straight ahead, but not quite finished yet, so this is the only photo of that room for now.

Here is the dining room:

Living Room/Office Combination:

Eating Area and Kitchen:

My Craft Room behind the kitchen:

And the Powder Room downstairs:

The one thing that I am sure you can tell from the photos is that they painted the whole house the same color. It is a neutral tan/yellow but it is flat paint so it is impossible to clean. Slowly we are going to paint the house, but it isn't on the immidiate to-do list.

Worst Week

This week has been so hard on me. I am not sleeping well, surrounded by poor company, uncomfortable and itchy, and am questioning WTF I am doing.

I am not sleeping. Mr.A was also out of town this week, so I brought our fur-baby along with me this week to my company’s headquarters. The only pet-friendly hotel within a 50 mile radius of the office is a shady Holiday Inn Express, which likely has hourly rates in addition to nightly. At first it wasn’t so bad. Yes, I am used to being surrounded by likeminded business travelers, but this place has a nice courtyard perfect for my pup. The first night was awful. Pup is extremely vigilant and not used to noises, so she was up grumbling and growling at least twice an hour. In addition to not sleeping, work has been tiring and stressful, so it is difficult for me to spend quality time exercising with her when all I want to do is sleep.

Last night was a little better, she probably only woke me up a handful of times. However, this morning I realized that we weren’t the only ones sleeping in our hotel room over the night (see point #2 below).

I am surrounded by poor company. In addition to the Holiday Inn Express patrons, I am surrounded by cockroaches. No kidding. I found one the size of my hand this morning in my room (not really, but UGH!). Mr.A would be so proud that I took care of the rat sized roach all by myself; but what choice did I have? I want so badly to leave, but there isn’t anywhere else for me to go.

I am uncomfortable and itchy. The poison came back. Before my trip last week, I ran to Urgent Care for another steroid injection and another round of Prednisone pills. I am washing with Zanfel, using steroid cream, taking the pills and it has not gone away. I am so uncomfortable because somehow the worst of it is on my inner thighs (no clue why), and is accompanied by broken blood vessels and bruises from my constant scratching.

The icing on the cake is the fact that I cannot stand being at my company’s headquarters. After the move, I have had to be extremely careful not to let anyone on to the fact that I sometimes work from home. It wouldn’t matter to anyone that I travel 95% of the time; just the 5% that is unaccounted for. While I am here, people question me and I am scared to death that I am going to get my bosses in trouble. They have done their best to work with me these last few weeks while I have gotten settled and I would hate to see their acts of good will kill their careers.

After I was questioned today, I nearly broke down. I left for lunch to go let my fur-baby out and took some time to look inward. I should be getting ready to take maternity leave and if I were, none of this would be an issue. I would be leaving work on the highest of high notes, having been through my pregnancy with phenomenal insurance, and would have 6-8 weeks paid maternity leave to look forward to. Since we sold the house (yeah, I forgot to mention that we closed on Monday), we would have no issues living on just Mr.A’s salary and I would be a happy SAHM.

But, none of that is going to happen. So I am at a crossroad. Should I stay in a job that makes me happy, but could come crashing in around me at any given moment? Should I risk the careers of those who have helped build me into the professional that I am today? Or should I leave on a high note, praying that  I will find something that would make me happy and not force me to decide between my marriage, my pup, my sanity, and my sleep.  I really don’t know, maybe that is why I feel smothered and stuck.

I thought I was ready....

I actually considered re-activating FB this week. Until I deactivated it, I didn't realize how much time I wasted on FB, even intermidently, and how much it depressed me. Since I dropped it, I have been so much more productive in my own life, making real connections, building real friendships, getting real things done around the house.

But, I really miss keeping up with some of my extended family and all of my close friends we left behind. I had planned on sending out "We've Moved" postcards but the lead time for making them is a few weeks, so I just keep putting it off. I know it would be a million times easier (not to mention cheaper) if I were to just send our new address out via FB. I just don't think I am ready...yet.

The Crash

No, we weren't in an accident; but we witnessed a really bad wreck over the weekend. Mr.A has quite a bit of training as a first responder so he was out of our vehicle in a flash helping the injured and directing other bystanders to not touch the injured, while I did my civic duty by calling 9-1-1.

As we come around the bend of the road, we see a tree off to the side of the intersection sway nearly to the ground and see this vehicle sitting in the middle of the intersection (minus the fire/police/EMTs).



As we come to a stop at the intersection, I said, "Holy, crap. This just happened." Just as Mr.A says, "where is the other car?", I point directly to our left and nearly scream, "Oh, My God!", this is what we saw (minus the people outside).

This BMW, had been t-boned, while it was traveling around 50mph, lost control went through probably 50 ft of trees/shrubs and ended up at nearly a 40 degree angle and came to a stop after hitting the cement of an overpass. The woman inside was screaming, trying desperately to get out but her door was jamed. She was frantic (as you can imagine anyone would be), and Mr.A camly helped her through the back drivers side door out to safety.

The first car was driven by an older woman in her 70s with a passenger in her 80s. Both were injured, but conscious and alert. A couple of the bystanders were trying to get the older women out of the car. Mr.A calmly advised them that it would be best for them to stay put. He said that the main reason they got the other woman out of her car was because they didn't know how stable her car was on the incline.

It only took maybe 5-8 minutes for the police and fire crews to get to the scene, but it seemed like much longer. After we felt like we had done all that we could, we continued on our journey. Just a day in the life, I guess.

I've been busy!

I am sorry I've been absent for a little while. I've been sooo busy trying to get the house in order. I do have some photos for your enjoyment. I really wanted to wait to show the house off until everything was complete, but I realize now it could be weeks/months...even years until everything is really how I want it. So I want to show you my two huge projects from the last month.

First is the master bedroom. There was nothing wrong with it before, but I had a vision. The bedding (pic 2) and painting (pic 3) were my inspiration.

Now, my enormous project, the master bathroom/shower. Before (complete with mold stained grout, broken tiles and in unusable condition):

This was an enormous undertaking. We did not DIY, but I did all of the research to make sure that we got exactly what we wanted. I wanted a rain shower head over top, H wanted body jets, I wanted a handheld shower, and a diverter valve that would have single and shared functions (so you could use multiple at the same time), and lastly a built in shampoo/soap shelf. I completely created the design, and purchased all the tile, fixtures, trim and valves.

Now finally, the master bath jaccuzzi. There wasn't anything wrong with the tile, but since we had redone the shower, it needed a face lift too. Before:

And After:

I hope you've enjoyed a look into my new house. Also this is proof to me that once you put a little sweat, tears and money into them, forclosures CAN be your dream house.

Creepy...

(I realize this is my second post tonight, yes I am a little behind, and yes I am in a writing mood)

Tonight, something weird happened. If Mr. A were home, I wouldn't have thought twice about it, but he is out of town tonight.

A young man came to my door tonight around 8:30pm. He was wearing a red (very legitimate looking) embroidered GE t-shirt, had a lanyard and badge around his neck and a clip board. He was talking about how my neighborhood had been pre-wired with ADT when it was built, but that robbers had been known to cut the phone lines connected to the system which would keep ADT from ever being notified of a break in. He then went on to say how GE was going to give away these SIM card-like microchips to maintain the connection no matter what.

At first it seemed like a very normal solicitation. Then he asked if we had our ADT connected currently, lying I said yes. He then asked if my husband was home, lying I said he would be shortly. He then asked if he could come inside out of the heat. Being the naive/friendly person I am, I agreed. As soon as we were in the foyer, I realized my mistake. I hurried and told him that I would need to discuss it with my husband and that he should come back tomorrow. He then looked around my entryway, and asked if he could get a bottle of water/glass of water. Very uncomfortable, I told him no. I felt as though he was trying to "case" the house; first trying to get inside, then trying to get in past the entryway. I asked him to leave.

Immediately, I called my husband. He called ADT to see if any of what he was saying was legitimate then called our local police department. I was not comfortable, and began preparing the house (home-alone [the movie] style). Since we don't have curtains in all of the rooms, I put up some temporary shades and even pinned up some blankets. I got the two pistols out of the gun safe; both have a round in the chamber and are off safe sitting on my night stand. I ensured all of the doors and windows were locked and that the ADT box would chime if any of them were opened.

Since Mr.A had called, A police officer came by to take a statement (at this point I felt like I was over reacting). He said that they had had several complaints from people in our town and that the GE guys were not allowed to solicit after 6pm. He did say that the GE side was legitimate and had permits to canvas the area although legitimate businesses can still have crooked employees. I let him know how the guy was not pushy about the product, but more pushy about getting information and getting inside. He said there were other officers in the neighborhood who had stopped the two guys in our area and he radioed the information from my statement.

I can say, I do feel a little better about it having spoke with a police officer, but it still makes me extremely uneasy.

We've Moved!

Mr.A is finished with training, but has been out of town quite a bit this week. The movers came on Tuesday and loaded the whole house, but it took the entire day.  I drove here on Wednesday, then painted (primer) our ginormous room until nearly 10pm. Thursday, I was determined to get our room completely painted before our furniture was delivered on Friday morning, so I painted all.day.long. Mr.A came home from work when I had one (smaller) wall to go. I asked if he would help me so I could get it finished, grab a shower, and get to bed. He did help but then said, "You owe me". REALLY?!

Needless to say, I was peeved. I have been working my ass off the last 4 months to make all of this happen, so that he could follow his dreams, I have put the career I love in jeopardy once I moved, I sold our house bought a new one, all while traveling nearly every week....then he had the nerve to tell me that I owe him.

In all fairness, I did this to him once before when we moved. I was in training for my new job while he loaded/unloaded/unpacked the entire house by himself. It was set up by the time I got home, and honestly I didn't appreciate all of his hard work until it all fell on me (and I had help from my family AND movers!).

After all of that whining/bitching/moaning, I feel better now. Thanks for listening. [;)]

Just a little update

The move is coming along. We had the inspection on Friday and I am still waiting to hear from the buyers on what they require to be fixed. I am so fortunate that my parents make the nearly 3 hour trip down here, spent my mom's birthday and their anniversary helping me pack and clean, and that my dad knows so much about construction that he could easily fix the minor issues I knew of that would have taken me hours to fix. Hopefully those issues are all that the buyers ask to be fixed.

My parents came down, my brother came to help and Mr.A made the long haul here to help. We spent the weekend packing and cleaning and packing some more.

Everyone is gone now and there it still a little left to do, but I can honestly say I could not have done this without all of their help. I was nearly to the point of throwing in the towel and they got me back on track. Now I am energized and excited to finally move!

(One of) the best four letter words....

SOLD!!!! We got an offer this afternoon, countered and were under contract by dark. I am thrilled. It couldn't have come at a better time. We will be moving next week, closing in a month and life will be nearly normal for the first time in over 6 months. ::BIG smile::

One more week....

...until I get my life back. This past week was crazy as usual and next week will be insane; but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. This past week, I was visiting my company headquaters. I switched network access, got my brand new computer, and air-card for ease of use while traveling. While at HQ, I sat in the vacant VP office which looked pretty nice on me (a girl can dream, right?), met with a dozen or so people and set up a few meetings over the next few weeks.

Mr.A graduated from training and is now living in the new house, alone and with very limited supplies. I was fortunate to be able to fly there before heading home and got to see him and the house briefly.

Our shower renovation is underway with all demo completed. I picked out the valves, and finishes over the weekend so hopefully everything will be finished within a week or so.

My poison oak is still not completely gone. My face and neck are finally healed, but it seems to still be spreading around my body. My Dr. ended up calling in some steroid cream to go with the shot she already gave me. It helps with the itching, but doesn't seem to be curing it.

This coming week I will officially accept my new traveling position with work, out process from my current office, travel and conduct a meeting, pack and clean. This coming weekend, my parents are coming down to help pack and get ready for the move and Mr.A will come back to this city for the first time in over 4 months. Hopefully we can get everything done before the move on the 5th of July.

Yikes! That is just over a week away. Al.most.done.So.close.

Random...but beautiful

I just wanted to share one of the most powerful photos I have ever seen. The caption reads, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

I purchased two of these; one hangs above my desk in my office at home the other I gave to my work so that we never forget who our efforts impact.  

Poison Oak is no joke...

Sunday started off with a trip to Urgent Care to diagnose my seemingly worse cold. The doctor diagnosed me with pneumonia and wrote me a prescription for antibiotics and an inhaler (have had issues with asthma in the past).

Monday I left for this week's trip and noticed I was starting to scratch my neck a lot. By Monday evening, I was convinced that I was having a reaction to the medicine, called the Urgent Care and they sent in another prescription. I also purchased some hydro cortisone cream to help with the itchiness while at the pharmacy.

Tuesday morning it was worse. I had blotchy red patches, that itched and burned and were spreading around my neck and up my face. Tuesday, I wasn't convinced that it was hives, rather some type of poison ivy/oak. I decided to buy some clear Benadryl gel and some Benadryl to hopefully help.

Wednesday I woke up worse yet. A coworker of mine recommended a product called Zanfel that is a gritty face wash that drys out the poison and relieves the itch. It was $31 for the CVS generic version, but it was so worth it. The grit feels so good since you can finally scratch all over and it relieves the itch for 5-6 hours.

Yesterday and today have been manageable since the Zanfel is keeping it from itching, but it has looked progressively worse each day and is continuing to spread. I now have it on my neck, chin, cheek, eyebrow (!?), forehead, ear lobe(!?), lips, bicep, chest, and abdomen. Great.

I flew home today and was able to get into my doctor's office 5 minutes before they closed. They gave me a steroid injection to help with the poison and said it should start to dissipate within 24 hours; I just want to be normal again.

If I had the guts to post the photos I have taken each day, you could really see the progression from uncomfortable to hideous leprosy, I just don't know if the interwebz can handle this grossness (although google images of "poison oak" does spit out some pretty nasty results).

Maybe I'm not meant to be a mom

Or maybe God is telling me it's not the right time or circumstance. Either way, all of the FB ultrasound pictures, baby comments, announcements and jabs in the ute are KILLING ME. I am ready to deactivate my account because I hate myself for being jealous yet it rips my heart out every.single.time.

My BFF Sara tried for over two years before her and her husband resorted to fertility treatments and were able to finally conceive. I love them both so much, but have been an awful friend since I lost the baby. Her and I were due 5 days apart and I cannot be the happy best friend when I am so jealous that I cannot experience the milestones along side her. I don't want her to think that I am not happy for her, because I am thrilled and they are so deserving....it is just so hard.

P.S. I did deactivate my FB account.

Ugh...

I would love to write about anything other than being just utterly overwhelmed, but it consumes me. I have this deep sadness that I just can't shake. I am sick, haven't been sleeping well, cycle #18 is officially a bust and everything just stinks right now. I saw probably 10 pregnant women today and adorable children too. That didn't help.

It is hot, there are a million and one things to do, and I don't have a bit of help on any of them. I have started packing things I can do without but it's hard to gauge what I am going to need over the next few weeks. I am already regretting packing the majority of my summer clothes and moving them down to the new house.

I did buy a hedge trimmer today and have been working outside the majority of this 95° day. I feel like I accomplished something, but don't feel like any of the efforts I put into the house make a bit of difference. It is nicely landscaped, has a awesome deck, is always clean, tastefully decorated, nicely painted, and I dropped the price, added a home warranty, offered $500 towards closing costs and $250 bonus to the realtor that brings the buyer. Still, we aren't getting any showings! What more can I do!?

Also, I scheduled the move officially and only have a few more weeks before leaving....please God, throw me a bone. I cannot stand the thought of three places, three mortgages, two more places than I want.

I am tired, lonely, and overwhelmed; what else is new?

Bargain Shopping Trip

(I already posted this on thenest, but I am so excited that I am posting it again in my blog; sorry for the redundancy). I am not very good at getting the grocery store bargains like Extreme Couponers, but I am able to get killer deals on clothes/housewares.

A couple of weeks ago I found these beautiful sage damask 95" panel curtains at Lowes that work perfectly in the new house for $6.99 each (orginally $27 each); after my 20% off coupon and 10% military discount they ended up at $5.02 each; I bought 6 sage and 2 wine colored.
Total: $42.67 for $228.96 worth of curtains. 

Pictured below:


Today I went to Lowes again and found some beautiful 95" deep brown silk/satin curtains with sinched/gathered designs throughout for $6.99 each (orginal $27) and matching pillows for $3.37 each (original $14); I bought two curtains and two pillows. I also bought the matching valance for my sage curtains which I plan to use on the window above the kitchen sink for $3.14 (original $19).
Total was: $22.76 for $107.06 worth of curtains.

I went to Old Navy since I had bought the $10 for $20 Groupon. I found the cutest one piece swim suit (no online pic, but I do have one of me in the dressing room that is not safe to post). The suit is a one piece with white and gray stripes, $10 (originally $29.50). I also bought a navy tee with a red/white/blue eagle on it, $8 (originally $14.94) and gray metallic flip flops $3 (originally $5).
After groupon; total was $1.06 + cost of groupon $10 = $11.06 for $49.44 worth of mechandise.

Mr. A loves the Grapefruit soap at Bath and Body Works and they discontinued it so I bought 4 at $1.25 each today so, $5 when I think they are normally $3.50 or so each.

Finally, I had a $10 off $25 and a $10 off $10 coupon for JCPenney. After coupons/discounts, I purchased a satin/lace chemise for $3.82 (originally $30), a lace bra for $10.87 (original $34) and a matching pair of panties for $3.07 (original $12) and a pair of sunglasses for $2 (original $24).
Total was: $20.94 for $106 worth of merchandise.

I am pretty proud of myself. I have some nice new things, have all of the curtains for the downstairs of the new house and didn't spend and arm and a leg.

This week's trip blew. I worked so hard on my briefing last week, found out on Thursday that I was traveling this week to present it myself, worked out personal things to coincide with travel and made arrangements for my dog. Fast forward to last night. I get into my hotel room, my throat is sore and I have completely lost my voice. What good is a Communications Lead who can't talk? This morning I found out from my boss; no good. I am waiting now to catch my flight home. I guess it is probably best, but I hate that I worked so hard on something that I can't present and also that I wasted time and money coming out here. ::crosses arms and pouts::

A successful Memorial Day Weekend

The weekend is over, and the work week begins in less than 12 hours. In an attempt to save money, I flew about 2.5 hours from my home, to my parents' city and am riding back home with my brother now. I saved around $200 on the flight, but I won't be home until around 11 tonight; tradeoffs I guess.

The weekend was very nice, albeit busy. We went to a baseball game, but only stayed around 4 or 5 innings. Went to Ikea to look at some practical and functional things as well as pretty things. I even managed to cook a nice meal with my limited supplies; salmon, asparagus and rice on Sunday night.

Mr.A loved the house, loved the location, and loved the proximity to, well pretty much everything. The house had been vacant for months, so of course there were little things here and there that needed fixed. The leaky toilets and bath tub faucet were no match for him (with a phone consult from my dad), and were cheap fixes that our general contractor wanted $$$$ for. In addition he changed the locks, fixed the broken screen door, dewinterized the plumbing, lit the pilot light on the water heater, fixed the garage door, fixed the part on his truck that I broke (oops), as well as hanging several curtain rods in the house for me.

I bought some beautiful curtains for the family room's wall of windows, and the dining room. The windows are all HUGE, so I had to buy 95" curtains to nearly touch the floor. I got a killer deal on 95" damask eco-conscious blackout curtains in sage green and a burgundy red at Lowes for $6.99 per panel. That is a STEAL! Also, I love the colors and pattern so much so, that I bought an extra panel to make throw pillows out of.

Overall, the weekend was a nice getaway, where we were able to accomplish a lot with the house in a limited amount of time. I am excited to finish up in our current home (and drop the price so we can get it sold) and move on to bigger and better things.

Freaking Out

I am freaking out! I am laying on an air mattress in my new empty, lonely house wondering if I have made the right decision. Should we have bought ANOTHER house in this terrible market without selling our others? Simple answer, no. But we did. I signed the papers today. It's mine.

I never had "buyers remorse" the last time, was this really THAT BAD of a decision? God, I hope not. I guess we will see how everything turns out, I truly believe that everything will be alright in the end. Therefore if things aren't alright, it is not the end.

IF Update

Lucky cycle # 18 is a bust. I took the 50mg of Clomid with minimal side effects in the evenings of CD 4-8. I went in Monday (CD11) for my follicular scan and to get my blood work results. To show my commitment (read: workaholism) to my job, as I waited on the exam table for Dr.K, I took a 30 minute teleconference from my cell phone. Lucky for me, she had an emergency C-section so was running a little behind.

Dr.K comes in, sees the –OPK and begins the ultrasound. My right ovary had the largest follicle at a 26mm on CD11 with a low LH level indicating that I would not be O’ing in the next 48 hours. Normally, she would have given me a trigger shot to force ovulation, but since there is no chance of getting pregnant this cycle (read: no husband), I decided against it and the $$ bill that would  come with it.

My blood work came back from May 13th. Thankfully my hormone levels did not reflect PCOS and I was negative for HIV and Lupus. However, I did test positive for the C677T heterozygous mutation; Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR). Yes, I realize that it is a horrible acronym and looks very similar to Mother F*er.

On Monday after asking Dr. Google about MTHFR, I was so down and depressed. The mutation has been linked to recurrent miscarriages, late term losses, neural and tubal defects and Down’s syndrome. However, after researching further I have found that the heterozygous mutation is the most common, and least dangerous to the mother and baby. My best course of action at this point is to take around 1000% of the recommended daily dosage of Folic Acid, and a baby aspirin everyday.

Lastly, Dr.K wants to go ahead with the laparoscopy to diagnose Endometriosis. Right now, I am scheduled for June 3^rd.

After leaving the appointment, I realized how much I hate that Mr.A is gone right now. The last few months have been difficult, but the roller coaster of TTC has been flat and uneventful. Now that I was given a glimmer of hope I can feel the descent downward as everything falls apart. I am scheduled for this surgery with no one around to take me or be with me, I am trying desperately to get everything together for the impending move, keeping the house together, preparing to close on the new house tomorrow; it is a lot for one person. Thankfully, Eve has offered to take me to the hospital, stay with me and bring me home afterwards. With everything that she has going on in her life, she always makes time for others.

Mr.A always tells me how proud he is of how well I have handled everything in his absence; a weaker person would have surly crumbled. I am not convinced that I am strong, but pray that this weight will soon be lifted, I can’t hold this all on my shoulders much longer….

Yesterday was a wierd day. I was asked if I was pregnant by two strangers within about an hour span.

I went to David's bridal to be fitted for and order my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding. This alone brought up a lot of suppressed emotions. I was supposed to be 40weeks pregnant at my brother's wedding, going into labor while trying to walk down the aisle (not really!), which scared me enough to give his fiance time to find a replacement for me. Obviously (to me anyway) I am not pregnant, so I am back in the wedding party.

Well, I go into DB and am paired with a friendly associate. She gathers a couple of sizes of the dress and I try them on. One fit perfectly. The waist is quasi-empire, but *just in case* I miraculously become pregnant before then, I wanted to order a size up. The associate looked at me like I had 3 heads and loudly said, "Are you pregnant!?". I simply said no, but that I wanted one size up.

I left there feeling sick to my stomach. I thought all of these feelings would go away with time, but every milestone I am missing, every date celebration just remind me that I am a childless mother; it makes me more sad than I could ever admit in real life.

My open house was winding down and I wanted to catch the realtor before she left so I left DB feeling down, and headed home. I walked in, had a little small talk, some feedback and then a blatant, "Are you pregnant?". WHAT!? Where did that even come from? I have lost weight and am down to my college weight. I knew it wasn't that. Then she leads me into the office and tells me that when there was a lull in the open house, she was looking through my bookshelf and saw my 6+ pregnancy books. I took a deep breath, and slowly said, "No. I was, but lost the baby." I shouldn't have to explain myself, in my own home, after a crappy, dreary day.

So yeah, yesterday was a wierd day that brought up a lot of emotions I have tried suppressing.

One day at a time.

#18

After a few months off, it is officially the begining of a new cycle - #18 - with a dash of hope and a little science. I went to Dr.K's on Friday to get my baseline bloodwork drawn. The phlebotoist always does a great job and was able to draw blood into 11 vials without even as much as a wince out of me. They are testing my hormone levels, testing for various conditions that can cause IF, and taking platelet counts.

I will be starting 50mg of Clomid this cycle with monitoring to see how my body responds. I will then have additional blood drawn at 7DPO to check my hormone levels at that point. I am praying that if nothing else comes if this cycle that Dr.K will figure out what is wrong with my body so I can have a chance of getting pregnant even when I move.

The staff at Dr.K's.office are like a family to me. I really hate to leave here and have to start over. It is actually kind of sad to think that the two receptionists know my voice when I call and usually have answers to my questions before I ask. I have been in that office 10+ times in the last 5 months; going from elated, to hopeful, to heartbroken, to optimistic, to sad. Sad now mostly because I know I won't find a new doctor that cares about her patients as much as Dr.K, and a staff that always knows the right thing to say. I truly believe that Dr.K will do everything in her power to get me (and keep me) pregnant, but I doubt I will be around here long enough to find out.

Here's to my favorite number and the hope that the future has wonderful things just waiting to happen.

Mother's Day Weekend

I have been dreading Mother's Day for the last month. The constant facebook status updates highlighting how unselfish women are who are mothers, the "Happy Mother's Day" for all of the beautiful plumply pregnant mothers-to-be, the reminder that I should be 23 weeks pregnant today; none of it was going to be easy.

In addition, I planned for my mother, aunt, cousin and her two little girls to come for the weekend. Originally, the intent was to spend girl time together and to pack up some of the odds and ends around my house as I prepare for my open house and eventual move.

My family is notorious for being late to everything. In fact, so much so that I  made my parent's wedding invitation to say that everything started an hour before the actual ceremony to make sure they were on time. Today, they had planned to be at my house around 10 Saturday morning; they didn't show up until after 3:30. We spent the evening catching up, playing games, drinking wine and enjoying each other's company.

I was saddened by the fact that we didn't accomplish even one box of packing, but enjoyed the weekend nonetheless. However, it was difficult catering to my guests, cleaning up after them, following the girls around the house to turn off the lights and doing all of the cooking.

I didn't sleep hardly at all last night; which made for a grumpy me today on the dreaded Mother's Day. This morning, I got up early (again, I wasn't sleeping anyways), cooked breakfast for everyone, and gave mom her card and gift.

All weekend, I had hoped that someone, anyone, would acknowledge that it was Mother's Day for me today too. I might not have my baby safely inside my womb, I might not have my child in my arms, but I do have him in my heart. One person wished me a Happy Mother's Day today, and it made me cry. I was so touched that you recognized me as a mother, even when those closest to me had not. Thank You, from the bottom of my heart.

Busy, but good.

I’ve really been looking forward to getting home the last few weeks. Yesterday was filled with several bouts of good news, but the house is a disaster and until I have more than a couple of hours to motivate me, it is going to stay that way.

Yesterday our closing date was extended. Originally we were set to close on the new house tomorrow, which would be about 45 days since I put in the original offer. There have been a few minor snags throughout the process including necessary repairs, a lot of back and forth paperwork, more negotiations, and just the mortgage application process in general. The selling bank is now allowing closing to occur on or before May 19^th without penalty which is phenomenal. That means that we will have approximately 2 more weeks before incurring the costs with yet another house and 2 more weeks to try to sell the other places.

This weekend is going to be such a good time. My mother, aunt, cousin and cousin’s two little girls (ages 4 and 9) are all coming down for a girl’s weekend. I have been able to get a ton of boxes over the last month so we will enjoy wine and each other’s company while packing up. I am excited to spend time with everyone before I leave and am so thankful that they are willing to help me at the house.

I set up an open house for our current home since we have only had two showings over the last month. I understand that the market is slow and saturated, but being that I am buying yet another house, we really need some foot traffic. I am asking the realtors to create flyers that buyers could take with them as well as offering some type of incentive. I was thinking about maybe offering $500 or $1,000 towards closing costs, but am not sure.

Lastly, a friend of Mr.A’s has decided to rent our condo for the time being. This is so beneficial to both of us because we will be able keep it on the market while he is living there and charge him significantly less than past tenants. This way, we will have some of the costs covered but can continue to try to sell it and he will have a place to live that is nice, close to his work and is considerably cheaper than any other apartments around. It is a win win.

Well that is most of what I have going on currently. I hope all is well in your lives.

This past week has been very trying. However, what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger; right? I traveled this week. Not only did the "6 hour flight" take 22 hours on Monday, but then I spent the week on west coast time which really messed with my biorhythm. Knowing last week was the last of my traveling streak made it a little easier to handle, but the travel surely contributed to my already elevated stress level. I have been so anxious thinking about all of the major life changes that are upon me. Nevertheless, I somehow continue to function. Going forward, I hope that my travels can be planned further in advance with at least short breaks in between.

Oh how I need a break from everything. For the last three weeks I have been in every time zone at least once, slept in my own bed once, and spent more than 15 hours in airports delayed.

You may think I do it to myself, and a part of me agrees with you. Once upon a time, my job description stated that travel would only encompass 10% of my job. Unfortunately for me, I have taken on challenges and exceeded my own expectations, as well as my company’s, so I take on more and more responsibility and travel every day.

Stuck

Today has been absolutely exhausting.  Last night, I drove the 4.5 hours home from my extended family's home, sent out some last minute work emails (at 10:30), quickly packed and went to bed.

This morning my flight out at 6:30am was cancelled, so I drove to a neighboring airport (1.5 hours away) to catch the 10:20. The 10:20 was delayed until 12. The 12 took off, but then connecting airport's runways were closed due to the storm, so we circled for an additional hour and I missed my connection. The only other flight to my destination leaves at 8pm and I will still have a 3.5 hour flight. If all goes as planned, I won't get in until after 11:30 eastern time and I got up much too early this morning.

I wanted to badly to call AniGirl to meet up while I am stuck here for 5 hours, but the thought of going through security again after this hellacious day just turns my stomach. So instead I sit here, exhausted and sad.

Tomorrow's meeting is going to come much too early and I hope my hour and a half briefing goes well; although I am convinced that things couldn't get too much worse at this point.

Edited to add: NEVER ever say the words "it can't get any worse", because it can and according to Murphy's law, it will. I am now on hour 16 sitting on a plane that isn't moving, waiting for a crew member that isn't coming. This is officially the worst travel day I have ever had. At this rate, we won't get in until after 1:30am east coast time. Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

My Week

I had a really good week, surprisingly. It was one of those weeks you lose sleep over. There was too much work, travel was long, presentations weren't finished, and expectations were high; all in addition to everything I have going on personally. I was irritable, scatter-brained and stressed beyond belief, but looking back on it now, it was prefect.

I facilitated my first meeting completely on my own. I was trusted to conduct the meeting in my boss's absence, faced my fears and the audience had no idea I was shaking in my heels behind the podium. I kept the audience engaged, kept discussion going and kept everything on schedule. I am so happy that I had the opportunity to go through the stresses that this week caused. It gave me a new perception on what I am doing in life, and what I want for the future.

Also, I received word from the appraiser last week, and our appraisal came in $3,000 less than our contract price. I found out last night that the selling bank is reducing the price AND covering all the required repairs. So our new home will have a brand new HVAC system upstairs, the window and electrical issues will be fixed all while buying the home for substantially less than we wanted to spend.

I have been introduced to the world of cloth diapering from the lovely women on the nest. I am a recycling crazed, waste reducing, eco-conscious woman. Why not carry that philosophy forward to my children?

I began buying my "stash" when I found out we were having a baby. I bought three bumgenius all-in-one 4.0s. I also ordered 2 ecobumz all-in-ones (which I forgot about). On the very emotional day when I had my 4week follow-up with my OB after my surgery, I found my adorable ecobumz diapers in my mailbox. It was a hard day, and the diapers undoubtedly made me sad, but I realized that after my loss the world kept turning and whether or not I was ready to move forward, I needed to look onward towards the future.

Today, for the first time since I was pregnant I found immense joy in looking at cloth diapers. If you are even remotely interested check out this blog (and giveaway).
http://2mommies2be.wordpress.com/2011/04/08/sunny-friday-giveaway/

Life, Love and Everything else

I have been such a bad blogger over the last 6 weeks, I am sorry. I have been so busy and have a lot of updates on life, love and everything else.

Life: is still crazy. The (current) house has somehow remained in nearly “showable” condition since it went on the market a couple of weeks ago. I have had one official showing where the person loved everything except the sloped back yard and the laundry closet; both things I cannot change. Mr.A and I have loved this house so much; I hope that someone comes along who believes the house to be as perfect as we did.

Our condo (that Mr.A bought in college) has been for sale for around 5 weeks. Our renters moved out last weekend and my father and I cleaned and touched it up. We have very aggressive pricing, which in turn is going to cause us to take a significant loss. We have priced it the lowest of similar condos even with the completely renovated kitchen, new laminate flooring, included w/d and fresh paint throughout. I am praying for a quick sale.

The new house is still beautiful, but is losing its luster to me. The inspection report came back with a lot of little things, but also the fact that the furnace and entire HVAC system has been dismantled and is in a state of disrepair. I told my agent that we would walk away if the major safety concerns were not corrected as well as the HVAC; the seller refused. My agent stated that if the appraiser and my financing bank required the HVAC to be fixed for financing the loan that the sellers would fix it. I really needed to think about it. Currently, I have paid $700 out of pocket for this home; $350 for the mortgage application and $350 for the home inspection. I was not prepared to invest another penny into a home appraisal for a home that I might need to walk away from. Lucky for me, the appraisal fee is already included in my initial $350 application fee AND the bank is going to require the HVAC and other safety concerns are corrected in order to make the home “safe and livable” and able to finance.

Love: I finally get to see my H this weekend!!!! When we finally see each other, it will have been nearly 6 weeks since he left. A woman I work with surprised me and set up the hotel with her Marriott hotel points saving me about $300; God bless her!  Leaving my only expenses to be the car rental and gas. He knows that I have been really down recently trying to figure out my future plan with work and family, working on our house, the condo and the new house as well as the frequent travel. I have been so overwhelmed that I am constantly anxious and nearly depressed. He sent me the sweetest love note/card from training that really made me feel better. I cannot wait for him to finish training so that we can begin the next chapter of our lives.

Everything else: I have been working very closely with my work on my options when I move. With the frequency that I travel, I have begged them to just allow me to work from home while I am not traveling. No cigar. Apparently, we have a strict “no telecommuting” policy (that I have yet to see in writing). Their best option at this point is to have me commute 2 hours away into a neighboring state while I am not traveling. While that is better than commuting 3 hours to the corporate office or losing my job entirely, it is going to burn me out quick. I am going to propose that they allow me to work from home Monday and Thursday and I would commute Tuesday and Wednesday therefore allowing me to have at least some time with my husband; we will see how that goes.

I have had two appointments with my OB/GYN since my surgery. She received my records from the RE and asked me to come in for a consult. Apparently my ovaries are polycystic (indicating that I might have PCOS), with my extremely long periods (10-14 days) and slightly longer than normal cycles (32-33 days) she wants to begin monitoring me throughout my cycles even though Mr.A is gone. This way we can figure out my issues and have a plan by the time we move and can start TTCing again. She wants to do CD3 blood work next week, but I will be traveling so I am not sure yet how to make it work. She is concerned that I might have PCOS or even Endometriosis, but hopefully we will know more through the monitoring. Her schedule is constantly booked up, so she scheduled me for a laparoscopic surgery in June before I leave in the case that she believes it is endo.

Lastly, I am really getting frustrated with my neighbors. They are truly my only friends in this lonely city, but I feel as though they take advantage of us. The wife is 25 weeks pregnant now, which in itself is hard for me. The day after my surgery she came over to borrow my H’s truck and ask him for some help around their house since her husband was gone. If roles were reversed, I wouldn’t have even considered asking someone for anything who had gone through IF and had just experienced a loss. Since then, I have watched their dog twice (one week each) with little notice and she is a handful. With everything that I have going on with work, the houses, and personally, I cannot believe that she continues to ask for favors all.the.time. I guess I really need to learn how to say no.

Thanks for reading. I obviously need to update more frequently so I don’t write these outrageously long posts….

Our New House!!

The bank accepted our counter-offer (which was going to be my initial offer; I am glad I held off!). Introducing our beautiful new house!!

Family room with built-ins and a wall of windows, plus a slate fireplace.

The brand spanking new kitchen. I don't love the white appliances, but they are new, they work and they will do for now.

Formal dining room. I can't wait to put in wainscoating (sp?) and new, more dramatic paint colors.

This is the master bedroom. It is hard to tell with the photo, but it has a large room plus a small nook off to the side for reading/etc. Love it!

This last photo is actually a small room behind the kitchen, I plan to make it exclusively my craft room until the time comes where it will be a child's play room.

Our current house is too big for us, and its only 3 bedrooms. This one has 4 bedrooms, plus the bonus office space and a formal living room. It has a lot more land then we are used to, 3/4 acre but I am thrilled for our dog to have space to run in the security of a cul de sac, and woods and greenspace around us. We really need to get on the TTC train, I want so badly to fill this home with laughter, and the pitter patter of small feet. ::off to dream land to think of my family in my new house::